Excuse Me..."My Age is Showing"

How did over half a century fly by in such a seemingly short period of time and why does it also seemed to have happened in the blink of an eye?

My childhood was wonderful. My teens were awesome until my Mother died. My twenties were a self inflicted blur of stupidity.

I look in the mirror today and suddenly see a fifty one year old woman that could easily pass for fifty nine. (I try not to look in the mirror a lot)

Like a dummy I dropped out of college...and they didn't encourage me NOT to, actually I think they sent me a Thank you note.

I somehow stumbled along and was almost grown up by the time I hit thirty.

Had kids and enjoyed being a "Mommy." My kid's are all almost grown (in THEIR minds) and still call me "Mommy" when they have royally screwed up or want something they know they don't really deserve but would LOVE to have!

I can't complain.

I COULD, but who COULDN'T?

My only gripe is that getting old seems to kinda suck. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to still be gasping for breath after working like a demon all day and sawing corns off my pinkie toes at the end of a night.

It makes me feel young to still have something as cute sounding as "Pinkie Toes!"

I just seem to "Creak" more and sometimes need a few more pushes on the ole "Primer Pump" before I can get cranked up for my day.

I cut the front of our subdivision for the first time this year.

It turned into a two day job.

I mean it's not like the entrance to "South Fork" on the show "Dallas" but it WHIPPED MY BUTT...and it's just April for Pete's sake!

I am getting lazy in my old age.

I couldn't find any sunglasses around the house so I weed eated without shades. Crap flew into my eyes non stop for over a hour. I looked Asian because I was squinting so much. Got it done though!

Didn't cut the weed eater line off shorter than the guard after running out of line (and time) and it flew off and popped me a good one on the chin. Dang...yard work is giving me battle scars now.

It takes away from the wrinkles on my face so at least it's a win/win situation.

Dang...that's kinda sad too!

I gotta get more money for this gig.

Can you imagine that scenario in July when it is over 100 degrees and my hot flashes are working overtime ..."Dang Meno-cause, not helping either!"

So now I am approaching being called "Senior" again. It seemed a lot more fun in high school... It was ALWAYS cool to be called a "Senior" then!

I think I'll just consider it all "The School of Life." I liked it so much I did it twice.

Til next time...knowing one day I'll be the one to have that really cool walker with a basket , horn , tassells and different colored tennis balls on each front leg and be the one EVERBODY talks about among the ones that can remember.

COTTON

As always, click on photos to enlarge (my flaws)

"Tired" is an Understatement

I had a half a day off today and it felt like a two week vacation. Last week I worked every shift the restaurant was open except two lunch shifts. By the end of last night I was a zombie.

I slept til noon and hopped on Johnny for a trip around the front of the subdivision. One of the officers from the HOA called me last week and left a voicemail asking if I was going to cut the front again this year.

I went up today and cut all I could on Johnny. The deep culverts on either side have to be done with my weed eater. I have bent two blades on my mower trying to cut down in them but there are so many exposed large rocks that it isn't worth it to me to tear up my mower on a yard that isn't mine. It takes me an hour to cut on my mower and another two to weed eat.

For this they pay me $20.00. Out of that twenty I spend five on gas. When we moved in the subdivision 14 years ago my oldest son, TJ cut it with a push mower for $20 and did a semi crappy job.

Now they have a 50 year old woman picking up all the trash every time she turns into the street...cutting it and weed eating it with not ONE stray weed left sticking up when I am through and still pay me $20.00.

I decided to do it this one time and then am sending the HOA a letter requesting $50 a month. I am going to plead my case in a positive way...

"I live five houses from the front of the entrance. I pick up trash any time I pull in or out. I spend at least three hours on cutting it and use my own mower and gas. I am doing it for the same price they paid my son 14 years ago. I keep it nice and neat which keeps our subdivision looking much more attractive to anyone that may ride through thinking of buying a house here. I truly do not think you can get anyone else to do the job I do maintaining the front for less than $50."

We'll see what happens.

We were slower than a snail at work tonight which made my two week vacation seem like three. I hated not making a lot of money but I needed the rest and the owner made us all dinner on the house! Free Range Chicken with a home made dipping sauce and yummy garlic mashed potatoes. I made a little bit of money but had a restful night and got my belly full.

I know why we were slow..."The weather."

In Georgia all you have to do is MENTION bad weather and the state shuts down and battens their hatches. In the Winter just mention "Snow or ice" and the store shelves are raped. In the Summer mention "Severe thunderstorms" and all the lawn furniture is put in the garage and the stores sell out of candles and flashlight batteries.

We're simple folk here in JawJa. It doesn't take much to rattle us. We listen more closely to the Meteorologists than to our Preachers!

When I was little my grandmother would call my Mother every time a weather alert was issued. It was like she thought we couldn't watch the TV ourselves and she needed to warn us of the impending doom we were obviously unaware of.

I'll have to say I got my Grandmother's "Weather Gene." I am a weather freak too. One year when a tornado ripped through our part of the county I had all three kids and the dogs stuffed in the laundry room with a flashlight and radio as I stood by the front door and watched mesmerized as the trees all blew sideways at a ninety degree angle. I just couldn't quit watching! Mother Nature never ceases to amaze me...She is a Mighty Beast.

Tim came home fom work that night and had to park his truck two miles away and walk home because of fallen trees and downed power lines.

A storm is rumbling in as I type. I hear the beeping of the weather channel from the TV in the den behind me.

The only thing that would freak us Georgians out even more is if there was news of a possible shortage of Rebel flags, Cammo jackets and chewing Tobacco.

I am proud to be a Georgian. I'm not a red neck (well maybe today, it was sunny while I was cutting grass) but I know what it means to be a type cast Georgian .

"I know ASS- rite!" could be the "Type Cast" State motto.

Of course there are lots of us that don't meet the "type cast" standard but if you took a poll, there are more of US than THEM.

I still like being ME and being a Georgian.

I may not be a Southern Belle, but when I am riding "Johnny" with the wind of cars whizzing by me not two feet away making my own subdivision look better...I feel like the "Belle of the South with a brand new Blade."

Am I really that sad of a person or do I just answer the question "What's Kelly Cotton all about?"

I don't think I'll ever move away from the South...who could they possibly ever get to replace me?

Til next time...COTTON

Country Living At Its Finest...Seriously?

I spent the day selling and picking up ads for Massey's Winter guard program for the big competition at the high school this month. This is a huge fundraiser and a chance for us to make some much needed money to fund a program that has been left out of the county budget.

I have a personal obligation to do my part especially with all the kindness and latitude the Guard has shown our family. They have been there with Massey when I couldn't. They have hugged and kissed her when she was down and I was at work. They have picked her up for practice and brought her home again when I was at work. It is a TRUE family we are blessed to be part of and I like to think I do my part when I can.

This is something that I CAN do and don't mind at all.

I put my PHD in BS to use and get sponsors for this event and have been pretty successful.

My bosses bought an ad, a dear friend from high school bought one even my favorite mechanic bought one. I sold one to a Mother/Daughter team that owns a hair salon...it helped that the daughter is engaged to the son of the owner of the restaurant I work for and her Mom knew my cousin who recently passed away.

Gotta work those connections when you have them!

Last night at work I had a table that I knew from my Western Sizzler days...their family owns a local gardening nursery and after two bottles of Malbec they happily agreed to buy an ad as well. They would have done it anyway...they are wonderful people. They told me to come by any of their three locations the next day and pick up a check.

The location nearest to me is off a rural highway that leads to the interstate. It's a road you take if you are headed to the County Fair or Destin...otherwise I never travel that road.

I picked Massey up from school and told her we needed to go pick up an ad . We cruised down the county highway. It goes from rural to PO Dunk in no time. The only thing on this stretch of road is a gas station that is completely filled with Latinos every morning looking for day labor and a couple of rental places, face lifted by the recent addition of a Dollar General.

We were cruising down the road when we passed a small house...not really a house but a small trailer (wheels still attached) with a front yard the size of a large chicken coop. They had a chain link fence around the front yard with two dog kennels sitting in it.

Number one this yard was TOO small for two dogs much less for what we witnessed. As we passed by Massey said "Did you see that horse in that tiny front yard?"

I almost wrecked the car...in a front yard the size of a hen house stood a horse surrounded by a chain link fence. If the horse wanted to exercise he could take one step forward and one step back. I hope he knows how to "Repeat the Process."

I am sure the horse would jump the fence and run for freedom if it had enough room to get a running start...which it certainly didn't.

We went on to the garden store to pick up the check. I remarked to one of the men working there "Have you seen that horse up the road?" The first guy said "My wife brought me to work this morning and said she saw a horse in that yard and I looked in her purse for a liquor bottle...the yard was smaller than my pick up truck." The other man said he had seen it too.

What in Heaven's name are people doing having a large farm animal living in a fenced in area the size of a small garage?

I guess their little girl wakes up every morning and looks out the window of their small trailer and says "There's my Horsey, squeezed in by the dog kennels."

I told Massey I was going back tomorrow to take a picture. I think this beats Charlie Sheen's antics...at least he has a huge house to be an idiot in and has CHOSEN his option.

This poor huge creature is living in a space so small that it has no room to argue the point...literally!

I treat my three mutts like royalty. Granted they haven't had shots in two years but they are loved, fed and have an acre fenced in to roam and run.

I feel like bringing that horse home with me...and don't think Tim would even notice. The pups, not so much.

If it's still there tomorrow I am taking a picture; I thought WE had it rough but at least we are trying to do something about it.

Who's gonna help this horse?

I may just buy this horse an ad in Massey's program:

"Free horse to anybody that has a yard larger than a garage."

Til next time...

"Just Saying" COTTON

Somebody Stop This Ride and Let Me Off...

I just HAD to use this picture...I laughed so hard when I saw it and can identify with it completely. Working in the service industry can lead ANYONE to drink!

Tonight was one of those nights.

Number one I was ticked before I even went to work when none of my work shirts were clean.

My eighteen year old son had a load of his clothes in the dryer and another load sitting wet in the washer. I appreciate the fact that he does his own laundry (sorta) but for Pete's sake finish what you start!

I had one shirt out in the car that I had talked the owner's wife into giving me. It was a small and all my shirts are extra small. She told me it was too big for me and I balked.

I'm tired of being considered "Extra small" and consider it "Pound Discrimination."

I told Barb I had gained ten pounds since I had started working for them and the shirt would fit me just fine. It would probably help if I had bigger boobs but seeing as I'm already fifty... I don't see that happening.

I planned on using the shirt as a clutch hitter but had to call it to the plate today. I was mad that Zach had my laundry room held hostage and sprayed the new shirt down with starch and ironed it. It looked kinda big but I attributed it to being brand new.

I went into work wearing my potato sack and even the 18 year old hostess said it looked "Kinda big and floppy."

It is meant to be worn un tucked but after Barb saw me in it we decided to go the "Tucked" route.

Then the cartoon began...

When it gets REALLY busy at a restaurant it is total insanity...We like to call it "Controlled Chaos" but sometimes you lose the "Control" part for a span of time that in actuality is only an hour but feels like ten.

I have been at this store for almost a year and feel pretty confident most every shift. Tonight I lost all confidence in myself for about thirty minutes, which seemed like thirty days.

Was it still Saturday? Has my table been waiting five minutes or has half a hour passed?

You lose all concept of time and just keep pushing on trying to remind yourself that it will all be over with soon. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone else's tables, scared they would flag me down and want something. I was in a pinball machine bouncing through the pins hoping not to "Tilt."

It wasn't just me...every server had a look on their face like a deer in headlights...sheer panic.

At one point, my ole buddy Hoke passed me in the alley of the kitchen and said "We'll be laughing about this in a hour." I didn't have time to slap him or even respond...and that's totally out of character for me.

But he was right...one hour later it was all over with.

Two hours later I un tucked my potato sack and clocked out with a nice pay day in my pocket.

I am still not sure why I have chosen this profession... it just seems to fit me well (unlike my new shirt.)

I like selling our great product to people and making their dinner seem like they bought tickets to my own personal show.

Sometimes when I have a particularly good shift and have "Wowed" not only my customers but made my co workers laugh their butts off...I clock out and announce "That concludes my show for this evening, please come back tomorrow to catch my matinee AND dinner performance."

If you've never been a server... I hope this gives you a small glimpse into our wacky world. If you HAVE been a server...you will totally "Get" the above photo.

Ironing a shirt that fits...going to bed and doing it all again. I have two shows tomorrow, lunch AND dinner ...if you live in Newnan, come catch one of them...I promise to make eye contact with you!

Til next time COTTON

What a Honeymoon !

Number one...you HAVE to click on the photo before I go any further. Can you EVEN believe some woman had a "John Deere" wedding...complete with wading boots?

Number two, although that IS my face it was photo shopped by a dear friend for my fiftieth birthday.

Number three...I wish I had known Johnny when I married Tim...he would have DEFINITELY been the best man (possibly the groom.)

After almost two weeks without Johnny, my yard looked like a really bad trailer park and the front of the subdivision seemed to welcome you to one .

My brother in law performed the surgery after I bought a new blade and a new pulley. The front of my subdivision is COVERED with hidden rocks and has been so rough on my mower that I am tempted to call the Home-Asses...I mean "Home owner's Association" and tell them I am not cutting the front three times a month for $40.00 anymore.

It cost me $100.00 to just get the parts and luckily my brother in law performed the surgery for free.

On Johnny's first day out of surgery I took it easy and just cut my yard and the ole geezer's next door. You never know how long it takes for that anesthesia to wear off!

He ran like a "Dear" and there were no mishaps.

I ventured to the front today...very apprehensive and very wary (of rocks.) I ended up using the weed eater more than I did my lawn mower. Thirty minutes on my mower and two and a half hours swinging a weed eater. So basically they are paying me LESS than minumim wage for doing this three times a month. I am going to call the "Treasurer" tomorrow and say "You let me know when you want the front cut and I'll do it for $40.00."

It was so hot out today that it made my hot flashes feel like a welcome breeze. I am beginning to feel my fifty years and beginning to realize the "Homeowner's ASS" is taking advantage of me and my baby..."Johnny D."

So I get lots of honks and cat calls...I also get cars screaming right by me so close I could slap their passenger in the face.

I am thinking about just cruising my "hood" and offering the older folks and lazy young folks a cut and trim for $25.00.

How much do you bet once the front grows above the subdivision sign...they call and re negotiaite?

I may end up sneaking up at night to keep it at least respectable...but this pittance they pay me (often two weeks after the cutting) is ridiculous.

Gotta take care of my "Man" first...not Tim..."Johnny." Tim knows I am having an affair...he is only jealous of the 32" blade and the fact that Johnny is deaf...Tim often wishes he was deaf being married to me.

Til next time..."Mower" to come...COTTON

A "Deere John" Letter

Dear John,

I feel terrible about what I have put you through. You have stuck by me, in thick grass and thin. You crank up whenever I turn your key...you never hesitate to help me and yet I always seem to push you to the breaking point (small pun.)

I've worn out belt after belt on you but you still work like a dog for me. I take you down roads you never wanted to travel and have taken you off the beaten path so often that you are probably having an identity crisis. BTW..."No, you are NOT an ATV."

You have sat in my garage with a flat more times than I can count...patiently waiting for me to "Fix A Flat" you back to normal. I have sent you into uncharted territory, hitting rocks and giving you more dings in your blade than you have ever deserved.

This last time I thought you may leave me forever...but you didn't. You waited patiently once again. I know you don't believe it but it hurt me more than it hurt you. The yard looked like a forgotten cow pasture and I actually thought of you every time I left the house and missed your amazing work.

Thanks to Dr. Harvey...you have made a full recovery. His skills are miraculous and his hands are 14 Karat in the JD area of expertise.

I promise to be more attuned to your needs and more aware of anything that may be hazardous to your well being. (Rocks, curbs and stepping stones.)

From the bottom of my heart and from the bottom of your decking ..."I Love You."

Thanks for loving me and thanks for making my yard look good again. I know you're mad at me...but ya gotta admit the yard looks pretty darn good, thanks to you.

At least I only weigh 95 pounds...you could have Mama Cass riding you!

I promise to be more attentive and more sensitive to your needs.

Just swear to never, EVER leave me.

Kelly Deere Cotton

All Set To GO !

I just got home from work. Had a great shift, some friends came in to eat with me and I had another table of regulars from my old place and the night ran smooth as silk.

Last night I was counting my money stash for the beach trip and starting worrying about how much gas was going to cost me. Gas alone was going to take a big chunk and after buying four new tires for the trip I was already riding on empty.

"Think Cotton..."

I didn't have to think long. "Bingo" I had an answer.

When Massey and I first starting planning this trip I was worried about driving to Destin on four tires that were balder than my father in law's head...and trust me that's pretty bald.

As usual I always look to my immediate family when I need help. My brother who has helped me more than I imagine he wants has a spare car that he bought. I told Massey, "Let's do this. Call your Uncle and give him 2 options: #1 Buy me four new tires and let me pay him back five dollars a week. #2 Let us drive his spare car to Florida."

Luckily I scrambled enough money together for new tires and a front end alignment. After running off the road a couple of years back when I was running my mouth instead of paying attention, my car survived but the front end alignment didn't fare so well. When I drive the car it shakes so bad that I have to hold the steering wheel like a vise so it doesn't jump out of the column.

Four new tires and a smooth riding vehicle is now at my disposal for the trip but it really put a dent in my already dented bank account.

Last night I decided to bite the bullet and email my brother, who is probably already in the first stages of a law suit disowning me as a relative.

You know me...I made it all cutesy and funny and said that I was considering driving Massey to Florida on my John Deere but we wouldn't get there until Labor Day. I told him as long as I hadn't asked for anything in a while (ha ha) I thought he might want to fill up my car with gas for the trip down.

When I was smack down broke and out of a job my brother gave me a gas card to put fuel in our cars so that Tim and I could both at least go seek employment. I returned the card in the mail with a "Thank You" note and still intend on paying him back... or maybe just signing off on the documents his lawyer is drawing up disowning me from being a blood relative.

Just like I knew he would ...he emailed me...called me , left a voicemail and a text.

For Pete's sake he isn't even in town but working in Orlando this week! He has a friend staying in his condo and had them leave me the gas card under the welcome mat.

Massey went with me after work tonight to pick the card up and now we are "Set like a tight perm."

I have the greatest brother and sister in the world who would do anything for me and often have.

I was joking with Massey tonight and said "We got all we need now. We can eat at every Citgo station we see when we get hungry. We can feast on those big pickles they keep in a jar and I've always wondered about those pickled eggs and pig's feet that seem to be a staple down South. We can buy one of those hot dogs rotating around on a spike and try some of those peanuts they boil in the parking lot and pick up some pre packaged sandwiches that look so tasty next to the cash register."

I wonder if you can buy lottery tickets with a gas card?

Wouldn't that be great if I hit the jackpot and could pay him back in one fell swoop!!

I am TOTALLY kidding!

But it feels great to have a brother that doesn't bat an eye at helping his sister out ONE MORE time. A brother that graciously makes my trip feasible and treats me to a weekend away. I need this weekend more than you can imagine and now my big bro has made it happen.

No wonder he is moving back to Orlando.

One more shift at work and Massey and I are headed to the sandy shore not having to worry about gas money and only worrying about what the heck will happen to me if my brother ever decides to get married and have kids of his own. How will he manage to keep taking care of me and MY kids?

Maybe I'll give him a vasectomy for Christmas. Do you think urologists take Citgo cards?

All excited about our girl's get away. I work a day shift tomorrow and will cut grass when I get home so I won't come home to a jungle. I'm already worried about leaving "Goyd" in charge of the house and dogs.

I'll have to be sure and stop at a Citgo and pick him up a souvenir.

Til next time..."Coastal Bound Cotton"

The Wheels on the Deere Go Round and Round...

SHEESH!! Talk about major surgery with multiple complications...I think Johnny flat lined a couple of times...no wait a minute, maybe that was me!
My last update had ole Johnny boy flat as a flit and sitting lop sided in his bed room...I mean my garage. I finally broke down and went to buy a new rear tire. The old tire had more plugs than tread and was a rolling exhaust fan. It's pretty bad when you can see the holes in the side wall and they are too big to hold TWO plugs put in together. Fix a Flats are great but they were only band aids that seemed to be getting smaller and smaller until it was like putting on one of those little circle band aids a doc puts on your arm after a shot. Unfortunately John Deere tires ain't cheap but compared to a Fix a Flat every time I cut the grass it was a MUCH better investment. Zach helped me get the tire off (another story all together) and I took it with me to Tractor Supply to prevent me from getting the wrong tire or wrong size...been there, done that. Thirty four dollars later I was home with a new tire and no clue as to how to mount it on the rim. Of course it was a Sunday and the tire stores with their fancy dancy tire mounting thingy were all closed. I did what comes natural...called my 'next door' husband. Believe it or not he hadn't had his number changed or my number blocked (yet) and even actually had the cajones to answer...Ya GOTTA love that man! He told me to come over and Massey and I trotted next door with the old tire still on the rim and the new tire. Being flatter than a pancake the old tire came off the rim pretty easily (compared to the next part.) About a half gallon of sealant goop came out of the old tire and luckily he had done this part in the grass. He cleaned the rim up like it was brand spanking new and then the hard part began. It took him a good fifteen minutes to get one side of the new tire on the rim and then he said "Okay, that was the easy part." The next part took more like twenty minutes and when he finally dragged out his air compressor out of his garage I thought Thank you , Jesus (and 'next door hubby.') The tire wasn't completely sealed around the rim and the air didn't help any at all. Being the genius he is he said "I saw a show one time on TV about truckers and how when they changed a flat on a big rig they sprayed starter fluid on the tire and lit it. The heat makes the tire expand and it pops onto the rim...wanna try it?" Massey and I both vigorously nodded and I sent up a silent prayer that it worked...not so much for me but for my neighbor who had just spent over half an hour helping me to fix his rival for my affection.."Johnny Dear." He told us to stand back and we both backed up about twenty feet (yeah, we're sissies.) After spraying the tire he held a match to it and it was like a small atom bomb went off..."WHOOSH." About two seconds later the tire gave a loud "POP" and the tire was sealed on the rim. It took him a couple of seconds to beat the flame out with a rag but it had worked! I told Massey in amazement "Dang...Mr. Ron's kinda like a wizard !" He just laughed and said "Yeah, that potion worked pretty good!" He inflated the tire with his compressor and asked if we needed any help putting the tire back on...I would've had to been blind , bedridden and hooked to a respirator before I would have even CONSIDERED saying "Yes." I thanked him about fifteen times and told him putting the tire back on would be easy. Massey and I trotted back across the yard and went into my garage to show Johnny his new appendage. I've never seen a lawn mower smile but he definitely looked happier to me. I had been using my huge Christmas tree stand as a jack (yeah, I'm a ghetto mechanic) and John was sitting on it now. Problem was with the new inflated tire he wasn't QUITE far enough off the ground to slip the new tire on. No problem...that's what 17 year old sons who sit around the house are for! Zach came out to the garage and lifted John's 400 pound butt off the tree stand so I could slip the new tire on. "With this tire...I thee wed" was going through my mind as it slipped on his axle. "Throw some bird seed and rice on me as I drive out of the garage" I wanted to say to Zach , as I jumped on my baby and cranked him up! Put him in gear... and AWAY WE (didn't)GO. @#$%! I tried reverse...still "No go." I told Massey, who had come out to wave me off on my maiden voyage to give me a push hoping the gears would catch or maybe I would just "Catch a break" and the gears would engage. Once I rolled down the drive I was leaning forward in a "GO GO GO' type of lurch just praying for a miracle. I Guess God was telling me my "miracle" balance was low so Massey and I pushed the mower back into the garage and I went inside to sulk. I got on the computer and googled the John Deere discussion board. For Pete's sake there were 16 pages of discussion topics and it took me 30 minutes to find anything helpful. One guy wrote that his JD wouldn't move and another guy had written back "Have you recently replaced a rear tire?" I clicked on the follow up comments and there were none. I guess they were keeping the solution a secret but at least I knew I was going in the right direction. I went into work the next night and was picking the cook's brains while they were pounding the crap out of the Veal, Chicken and Beef on the prep table. One of them said there was probably a reset button or toggle switch that incapacitated the transmission when a wheel fell off or was removed for safety purposes. Sounded good to me so when I went home from work tried googling THAT topic. No hits. But I came across a topic about replacing the pin into the axle before putting a rear tire back on. HMMM. Interesting, considering I didn't remember a pin when Zach took the tire off. After talking to my brother in law this morning I went out to the garage and sure 'nough...there was a two inch metal pin on the garage floor! I had seen it yesterday when getting in my car for work and thinking it was a nail, kicked it out of the way thinking "I don't need a flat on my car too!" My brother in law came over with a "Real" jack and took the tire off, put the pin in the axle and put the tire back on. This time I think I heard Johnny actually giggle...or maybe that was just me. Hopped on my yellow seat, cranked him up and put it in reverse..."GO JOHNNY GO...JOHNNY BE GOOD !!!"Success at long last! Only at MY house, can a flat tire be a blog a pain in the butt and an amusing antedote all rolled into one. Til next time..."CUTTIN AGAIN COTTON"

Some Men Just Aren't Thinkers...

Oh, you GOTTA click on these pictures...and "NO" none of them are of MY husband. The swimming pool shot cracked me up and is exactly something my two sons would do.

The kid stuck in the chair is almost exactly like something my sister's son did when he was younger except it involved HIS head and the wrought iron bars of a fence.

Some men just aren't thinkers!

Case in point: Yesterday a horrible tragedy happened to my boyfriend "John Dear." I was all ready to cut the front of the subdivision when I noticed Johnny's front tire was looking a little low. I found my can of Fix a Flat...half empty! Tim has a slow leak in one of the tires on his car and has been mooching out of "Johnny's" emergency can. I shook it and thought maybe there was enough to fill the small tire on the mower (I'll fuss at Tim later.)

All gassed up and 'flat fixed' I putted to the front of the subdivision and started cutting. About ten minutes in I happened to look down and ole Johnny boy's tire was not only flat but loose from the rim. DANG!!

It was almost time to pick the kids up from school so I parked Johnny , took the key out and hoofed it back to the house.

After I picked the kids up I stopped off for a new can of Fix a Flat and headed back home. Zach and I tried to fill the tire but it wasn't on the rim enough and couldn't seal. DANG #2!

Massey had to go back to the school for guard practice and Tim was taking her, so when they drove past me at the front of the subdivision I told Tim to get me another can of "Fix" and told Zach to go borrow my 'next door husband's' jack. Zach drove the jack up in my car and we jacked ole Johnny off the ground so we could try and get the tire back on the rim. It wasn't easy by any means...I've learned over the past year NOTHING is easy if you're a Cotton these days.

Zach helped me get the tire back on the rim and jumped in a car with his buddies as they turned into the subdivision and took off for parts unknown...I think I heard them burn rubber turning out onto the main street. Zach probably said "Hurry or she'll think of something else for me to do."

Pouring with sweat I found a spot of shade to wait in for Tim to return with my Fix a Flat. Here he finally came...driving slow as a granny and in nobodies hurry. He rolled the window down to hand me the can when I told him he had to wait and take the jack back to the neighbor's once I got the tire pumped up. I shot ole Johnny up with some sealant and told Tim to lower the jack. He looked at the jack like it was a nuclear bomb he had to dismantle and after about ten seconds said he couldn't figure out how to lower the jack. For Pete's sake...

He saw the look on my face (the one that said I didn't know how to either but at least I was a woman) and just picked up the back end of my 400 pound lawnmower off the jack and sat it on the ground. (I guess he IS somewhat of a thinker.)

I jumped on Johnny and took off. Fix a Flat was spewing out of the side of the tire and I thought to myself "Houston, we have a problem."

Tim had already loaded up the jack and headed down the street...thinking like Zach "Let me get outta here before she wants some MORE help."

I knew I had to drive ole Johnny boy home before all the Fix a Flat was gone or I'd be pushing a 400 pound mower back to the house on my own and be pretty ticked off by the time I got there.

Putting down the street with Fix a Flat spewing like Silly String I barely made it back to the house before the tire came off of the rim again. No more "Dang"..it was definitely a "Damn."

I went to my next door husband's house to borrow back the tire plugs his son had borrowed from me last week. They are these sticky gluey strips that you thread with a huge needle type tool to plug a hole. My next door husband was already laughing at me putting down the street with foam squirting out of my tire ( we may get a next door divorce) and asked if I needed help. I told him thanks but I knew how to plug a tire.

My husband was still over there talking with my next door husband, returning his jack when I borrowed the plugs. Tim said "Man, those look pretty nifty, do you think you could put one of those in MY tire?" He was talking to my next door neighbor...NOT me. I rolled my eyes at my neighbor and took my gluey stick of plug to go back over to my house and fix my Johnny boy.

Turns out Tim didn't have a slow leak, he had two nails stuck in his tire. My neighbor fixed both of them and I plugged up ole Johnny.

Some men are good at cooking breakfast and vacuuming when you bitch enough. Some men are handy men and can fix anything.

Tim and I are a mix...he won't try to fix anything and there is nothing I won't try to fix. Guess it all works out in the long run.

To his credit, he is an EXCELLENT vacuumer and can make some mean home fried potatoes with breakfast.

Is it just me or does my life seem to be a sitcom waiting to happen?

At least we know who the "Director" will be...

Til next time...Johnny's girlfriend

Feliz Cinco de Mayo, Mi Amigos

Do theses guys know how to party, or WHAT?

I was pushing the Italian Margaritas at work. Unfortunately La Parilla
is right across the parking lot from our restaurant and they were jamming like they had all just got green cards.

I still did okay, that's what is so nice about my place...quality over quantity every time. Easy night...only four tables and made $70.oo.

I had a $6.99 coupon for Great Clips and got my hair cut today before work. When my hair starts to grow out, my gray hair starts to grow out. If I keep it short it is barely noticeable...plus it doesn't look so much like a gray mullet.

After work tonight it wasn't even 10:00 so I went and bought gas at Kroger with my "Plus" card and ran in for dog food.

I stood behind the few people waiting for the self check out lane when I noticed one of them was open. I dragged my bag of hound grub over to the empty lane when a woman behind me said "Sir, that one isn't working."

I turned around to look and her face turned red and she quickly apologized and corrected herself "I meant Ma'am."
For Pete's sake I know my hair is short but how many "Men" do you know that wear hip hugger black pants and weigh ninety pounds? I mean we aren't in Miami...or even Little Five Points.

There used to be a VERY short woman who worked at the gas station I used to stop at on the way home from Longhorn. Every time I was next in line she would say "Can I help you, sir?" I mean I went there at LEAST three times a week, every one else that worked there knew I was a woman but this one vertically challenged chick always called me "Sir" and NEVER corrected herself. Number one...I have boobs, granted they are small but the only men I have ever seen with boobs weigh over 300 pounds and usually have on a wife beater that exposes their hairy shoulders as well.

It used to drive me crazy and I would often gripe about it to Tim when I would get home from work. I told him she didn't know who she was messing with, I had all kind of zingers ready for her but was trying to be nice about it... Like "Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't see you down there." or "It's a hot one out there today, bet you're glad heat rises."

She worked there for over two years and called me "Sir" every time I went in to pay. I finally started using my debit card at the pump just to save face.

Then one day something happened with my card and I hear her squeaky voice over the outdoor intercom "Sir, you'll have to come inside for a receipt."

Oh, she had been WAITING for THAT one!

I was griping to Tim about the woman at Kroger tonight when I came in from work and he was making his lunch to go into work. He's not a big fan of my hair cut either but at least realizes it's MY hair and if I like it than 'so be it'.

I fed the dogs , started the dishwasher and sat down at the computer to release some anger! He fixed a cup of coffee to take with him to work and came to give me a kiss good bye.

I told him to have a good night at work and he quipped "You have a good night too, Sir."

He's been married to me too long...I'm rubbing off.

Til next time "Mr. Cotton"

PS click on the picture to see it larger...it's a HOOT!...or should I say "El HOOTO?"

Server Overboard !!

I just walked in the door from work. Dang, it's a good feeling!

Paid forward some of the many acts of kindness I have been shown and cut my elderly neighbor's yard before work. You know, Mr. (slow)Lee. As usual he stood with his arms crossed over the bed of his huge diesel truck and chain smoked while he watched me cut his front and back yard. I'm not sure why he watches me but he seems to enjoy it so I just wave to him every few turns. I'm not much to look at but I do have a better figure than Mrs (slow)Lee but of course it is hard to see what kind of figure you have in those flowered smock house dresses that women over 80 seem to have a closet full of.

I guess when you're retired there's plenty of time for everything...including watch your neighbor cut the grass. I think he's just waiting for July when I wear my Sofee shorts and a bathing suit top. He's obviously an "A" cup man!!

My cousin's husband came over earlier this morning to service my A/C unit. He gave me a GREAT deal on the freon that has to be replaced every summer and even offered to do it for free. I finally talked him into taking $40 and still got the better end of the deal. One year when I had a Heating and Air guy come out they charged me $250. Our house is a tri level with only one unit ...a 14 year old unit and all the bedrooms are on the third floor. It makes the one unit have to work really well to cool the whole house but a shot of freon once a year does the trick.

Tim got sent for a drug screen for a new job and we are hoping that he starts this week. A drug test is usually a good sign and we are hoping that is the case with this one. He had an interview to be the guy wearing the statue of liberty suit outside of Liberty Tax service but it fell through (Totally kidding!)

Went to work at 5:30 and was disappointed it seemed slow.

Not to worry!

I had only waited on two tables by 7:00 when I got a ten top of women celebrating a birthday...ALL WAITRESSES !!

It was the first big table I had gotten by myself and with LOTS of help from the bartender...a super nice guy, I made it through my first big party . All the girls were from Longhorn. Not the one I worked for but I knew about half of them.

Of course they had heard about my dilemma.

I told one of the girls the same thing I told another former co worker today on Facebook... I should have jumped ship a long time ago but didn't really appreciate being thrown overboard. Thank the Lord I knew how to tread water!

They tipped me $75 letting me walk out of the restaurant making $90 on just three tables. GOD BLESS THE SERVER...THEY TAKE CARE OF THEIR OWN !!

Came home all smiles until I walked in the kitchen and saw that Massey had been cooking. In her words...OMG...WTF...(That's 'fudge') I was not LOL and most certainly not ROTFL. I don't feel like she is my BFFL right now. That girl is a walking train wreck. Every pan she used is still in the sink, her burned cookies are still on the stove stuck to the cookie sheet and the trail of crumbs tells me every step she took.

The kitchen will look exactly the same when she gets up for school.

All in all a great day.

The mortgage check still didn't clear but maybe the third time will be the charm! But we're getting closer and closer every day and you know what?? The stinking banks are one of the biggest reasons for the crappy economy and who exactly do they think wants to buy my house besides us? Tim gets paid this Thursday, is it gonna KILL them to wait 72 hours for a payment on a house that is almost paid for anyway? The Clark Howard side of me says it's not. It may not boost our credit rating but credit rating is way down my list of priorities right now.

In the words of ole Willie Nelson we are "On the road again."

I absolutely love my new job and will never work for a big corporation again. The sense of peace I have when I walk in the door is still there when I walk out and the money is more than I would have made being a newbie at my old job.

My new boss is a dead ringer for Mike Meyers as 'Dr. Evil" without the scar but I haven't seen him put his pinkie to his mouth yet and he has been very nice and patient with me...teaching me a lot about Italian food and teaching me how to stay away from an Italian when he is mad. His wife is a wine snob who has taught me a lot about wines and how to stay away from the wife of an Italian when she is mad.

It's a family ... a quirky family but a hard working, nose to the grindstone family who both work seven days a week and have welcomed me with open arms. Of course when they are hugging me they may be shaking their fist at someone behind my back but if I continue to work hard I'll be just fine.

It's been a long time since I have been happy at work...it is a tremendous relief to be somewhere I am wanted and somewhere I want to be.

Til next time...Signora Cotton

My Day Off...Zach's Monday !

Frances asked me a week or so ago if Zach could come clean up her yard...clear fallen limbs and pick up roofing scraps left from when she had her new roof put on. Of course I told her he would be happy to do it. Lucky Frances doesn't know...he hasn't been happy about anything in 3 years.

I told Zach about it then but he seemed to think that the idea had gone away until I woke him this morning to tell him "This is the DAY."

Lucky for him I fell right back to sleep. I got up around 1:30 and checked the temperature...perfect yard work weather.

I pulled him off his "Thinky" computer game and dragged him kicking and screaming out to the car. (Not really...he sulked his way out to the car as slow as humanly possible.)

Don't get me wrong...He LOVES Frances, he just hates me bossing him around.

I told him on the way, as he peered forlornly out the passenger window to remember when he got there that he was mad at me and not Frances.



It took him a whopping hour to get the job done and on top of that Frances gave him ten bucks. On the way home he begged for McDonald's and said his back hurt ( cry baby, cry baby, suck yo thumb.)

Had to go by the high school where Massey was practicing, go pick up Zach's friend to spend the night and help deplete the food supply in our house and came home and started cleaning.

I don't mind clutter (well I do, but I can live with it) but when dust builds up like an inch snowfall on the tables pictures and computer desk, it kinda grosses me out.

I cleaned every picture with Windex...and I have a LOT of pictures...Murphy's Oil soaped all the wood and caught my laundry up to only one basket left dirty. I swear Murphy's Oil Soap is like a miracle cleaner...especially when you have three big dogs shaking off their winter fur every time you say their name.

All I have left is to vacuum...the bulldog REALLY loves that! I have to lock him in TJ's room before I even get the Hoover out of the laundry room.

Oh, he THINKS he's a bad ass...but if I actually turn it on you would think he had five dogs chasing him as he scrambles up the stairs on those little white sticks he calls legs.

Massey is home now...so I can give up on cleaning.

She is a cyclone within herself. She makes Pig Pen look like a neat freak with OCD and allergies.

She'll be gone in the morning to her competition and then MY competition will begin...how much crap can I stuff into a garbage bag without her ever missing ? I'll bet A LOT!!

"Ladies and gentleman...we have a winner. Mrs. Cotton took five 30 gallon bags of trash and crap out of her daughter's room and when her daughter came home, didn't notice ONE thing out of place or missing...we may think this is a NEW record!"

"I'd FIRST like to thank Dollar General for their cheap 30 gallon trash bags. I'd also like to thank the Goodwill for taking ANYTHING I give them. I would also like to thank Titan Sanitation for picking up cork boards, old lava lamps and any other crap I have left on the street on a Tuesday night. It's thanks to people like you that I have won this competition...won this race and cleaned out the most disgusting room I have ever seen or had to walk by on a daily basis."

Unfortunately I will have to start my race for the prize all over again as soon as "Katrina" gets back from competition.

She better be mighty glad that she is an "A/B" student...cause she is at best a "D" room cleaner.

Zach recovered from his horrific physical exertion with minimal damage...even said he wouldn't have done it for anybody but "Franny."

Maybe Frances has room for Zach AND Massey...the three dogs can stay here, they rarely ever talk back.

Til next time....Talkin' trash Cotton

Happy Valentine's Day

Thought I would post a pic of me and Tim for Valentine's Day. Dang...why did I marry a younger man? He always make me look so old in our pictures together. I think this cute hat he gave me takes at least two years off my age...whadda ya think?

On Facebook this week they had you put up a picture of you with your significant other so I posted this one. It's almost too close to the real thing once I look at it...although Granny probably outweighs me , I still have her beat with the wrinkles and worry lines.

It's Valentine's Day so I went and got Tim a HUGE big fat nothing....unfortunately it won't surprise him.

I did go to Bath and Body and got Miss Massey some lotion and lip gloss. My older son is getting a stay of eviction and my younger son is getting an attitude adjustment...I hope they are all happy with their gifts. Like they say, it's the thought that counts.

I wanted Zach to come downstairs tonight for 2 minutes and watch Apolo Ohno race for the Gold with me and you would have thought I asked him to come downstairs and give me a bikini wax.

They are both good boys but are lacking in the 'Touchy Feely' department...unless they need something from Mom.

My three dogs were perfectly overjoyed with the dog biscuits I tossed in their mouths. Now THAT'S gratitude.

The boys say I spoil Massey...and I probably do. But with all her faults she does the ONE thing I ask...MAKE GOOD GRADES. I really don't know how she does it with all the million things she has going every day, but at least she brings home all A's and B's. Being a solid 'C' student throughout my academic days...I'd say that's worth some lotion and lip gloss.

I did give Zach $$ to go to the Masquerade for a concert on Thursday and I did vacuum TJ's room last night , sprayed some Febreeze AND put a Renuzit solid in the corner by his bed. If that doesn't say "I Love You" to a son, what does?

Tim went back to work tonight. I know his boss is ticked he didn't go last night but our car insurance was late and a deductible from a possible wreck would have wrecked US.

Life seems to be looking up here at the Clampett's. We don't have 70 million in Mr. Drysdale's bank...but thanks to our friends... from Newnan to Bug Tussle ...we are making some forward advancement and looking towards a brighter 2010.

By this time next year, we may be able to put in a cement pond!

Happy Valentine's Day to every one.

Kiss the one you are with, hug the family that you love and be grateful that God loves you even more.

Til next time... STUPID CUPID COTTON

Who Won the Super Bowl? I DID !!!

Every year I forget to ask for Super Bowl Sunday off. It is a ghost town after six PM with every one scattering off to parties and get togethers.

I drug myself into my work clothes once again and went in for a long 8 hour shift anticipating eating all the free food I could get from the cooks.

It started slow enough, but after half an hour I had six nice tables going. Lucky for me my section was in the bar area with our new flat screen plasma TVs all on the Super bowl pregame show. Every one was drinking (Cha ching ) and as the restaurant emptied my section stayed full. I didn't stop for the next six hours and only had one bad tip...Amateurs, go figure!

I've worked the past twelve Super Bowls and never walked out with more than $40 in my pocket.

Walked out tonight with almost $200 in my pocket.

I thought there might be a reporter standing out front when I burst out the door into the parking lot with a microphone stuck in my face saying "Cotton...you've just won the Super Bowl, where are you going first?" And I would show him all my money and shout into the microphone "I'M GOING TO THE BANK FIRST THING IN THE MORNING !!"

It's amazing how good a great shift can make you feel. As I walked to my car, my back pain seemed to go away and my feet didn't hurt quite so bad. I didn't say much about making big bucks because the other girls I worked with didn't hit the jack pot like I did...but HEY ! You win some you lose some.

Tonight I was a winner! I've had plenty of shifts where the shoe was on the other foot and I limped to my car cursing about my rotten luck and thinking how bad my feet hurt in that "Other" shoe.

I've worked so many days in a row that it was all becoming a blur. Tonight gave me some clarity. I finally made it to the "Waitress Super Bowl" and came out a winner.

"I'd like to thank God first...without him I'd be a lost soul. Next I would like to thank all of the people that forgot to go to the liquor store on Saturday and had to pay high dollar to get their 'drink on' tonight in a restaurant. Lastly I'd like to thank the public for not coming in to eat five minutes before the store closed and keeping me and the cooks there for an extra hour unnecessarily. Heck, I couldn't be happier if I WAS going to Disney World!"

Pretty good speech...too bad that reporter wasn't in the parking lot to hear it. I'd rather give it to ya'll ANY WAY!

Til next time...COTTON

I May Be Handy...But Can I Build an Ark?

HELP ME! I'm drowning! The stinkin' rain is back and brought it's foul friend "Cold" with it. I live in the south for one reason (maybe more than one) and that is because the weather is mild to warm most of the time. NOT SO this winter.

My back yard hasn't been entirely dry since Thanksgiving and given my emotionally drenched status...It ain't helping ! Three big dogs plus depression plus over working plus too many rainy days to count = CRAP.

My husband keeps saying "We need the rain, don't complain."

Well complain I will. I feel like the ape in this picture...holding a tiny piece of wood over my head while the rain just never stops. Oh, the sun will peek out and tease us for a day...then the rain comes back like "Gotcha!"

I am not a rainy day person. I am a 90 degree sunny day girl who LOVES sweating out in the yard with a weed eater .

That ground hog in Pennsylvania on Tuesday didn't help. He should had stood where he couldn't see his shadow or just have been paid off to lie. It seems to work for politicians, how hard can it be for a varmint?

At least I got my doors fixed to keep this weather I hate out of the house, but I am beginning to wonder if this rain will EVER go away?

If I was rich and could sleep in on my king size bed with non stop Discovery channel and some poor stoop to walk my dogs with an umbrella over their heads three times a day I might be happier about the apparent monsoon we are having.

Another bad thing about it is that my garage door opener is broken so every time I come home from work I have to get out of my car and open the garage door by hand..."AARGG" How did people survive without garage openers? They must have felt as helpless as I do when I wheel into the drive and brave myself to not only get OUT of the car to open the door but have to get out again and shut it. DAMN broken technology !! I would almost rather my TV remote stopped working (uh..maybe NOT.)

All in semi jest...I know we need the rain and I can deal with it....I just like to bitch about it because it makes ME feel better!

It COULD be four feet of snow or an earthquake or tsunami. I'm just a weather wimp and like to gripe when it's on my own dime!

That last paragraph has me thinking though. I am a lucky gal, and need to step back and look at the world wide picture.

Okay! We're having some rain..it will end one day...WON'T IT ?

Til next time Soakin' wet COTTON



PS click on the pic of the ape, he's pretty cute!

HOT MESS

The top picture is Massey with her hair back in a loose bun. You can see the curls sticking out from every direction.

The second picture is one with her hair down, only pulled back from her face. She has a head of thick curly hair and THEN some.

The smaller picture is with her hair in what the guard refers to as a sock bun. They wear it like this for football games and competitions. It is rolled tight inside of the cut off portion of a sock and slicked back with tons of gel, then bobby pinned and sprayed. It could stay like this for a week if we left it...it ain't MOVING. She has to wash her hair with baking soda just to get enough of the goop out so she can shampoo it. She stays after school on Fridays so all the girls can have their hair done and then do their makeup (it ain't easy being a princess.)

This morning she got up at six thirty and started getting ready for school. She came into my bedroom with her already plastered back into a sock bun and asked if it looked okay. I told her it looked fine to me and asked why she did it at home instead of after school. She said their choreographer had suggested that she do it at home if she could to save time. Massey said since she had a "Hot Mess" she thought she would try it herself instead of having someone else do it.

I thought to myself "When did she ask me to pick up a
Hot Mess" kit from the store and why didn't I remember buying one?" I asked her what a "Hot Mess" was, thinking it was some new hair straightening product or some type of flat iron.

She looked at me as if I was a complete lunatic (she wouldn't be totally off base) and replied "My HAIR is a hot mess."

OHHH! Now I get it.

I guess her hair takes more time to do than anyone else's and they had probably started drawing straws to see who had to put her "Hot Mess" into a sock bun.

"Hot mess"

Mama's got her some new slang!

Now I know what term applies to the way I feel most of the time these days and sounds a lot hipper than "Depressed."

Once again I have learned something from one of my teens...I'm DOWN with THAT!!

Headed out the door to the ballgame to see how that "Hot Mess" holds up on the field.

Til next time, COOL COTTON

What a Shimmering Shift!

Just as I said about the law of averages the other day is still true in my profession. Yesterday was a downer and today lifted me back up.

I got to work ten minutes late because I had to go by one of our sister stores to get some product for our store (another favor the MANAGERS owe me...they're stackin' up.)

First off the key to the coke machine was missing and we couldn't turn it on. I don't know which dummy took it out last night, but we always just leave it in...kinda like how I leave the key in my riding mower. After finally locating the key we had a problem with the machine itself (some idiot probably screwed it up last night and thought if they hid the key no one would ever know they had goofed up the fountain.) It only took my manager having to perch on the counter of the beverage station ( he ain't real tiny) and after a frustrating few minutes we were back in business. Nice start, huh?

Lunch started out alright but quickly died. We started with six servers and were down to just three before 1:00. By 2:00 we were down to two servers and before 3:00 it was down to ME!

I had a table seated with a family of five...the parents, a young girl and the girl's aunt and uncle or maybe even grandparents (I am terrible with ages as mine is flying at warp speed down the path of my life.)

They were nice but a touch kooky. After I finally got the order and took the salads to the table, I went back to clear the empty bowls. I asked the first man how his salad was and he remarked "It was just brilliant!" I said 'Alrighty then', and removed his bowl. When I went into the server alley I asked a co worker what he could have possibly meant by that statement. Did he mean it was too glaringly bright to look at or did it just look smart sitting in it's little bowl?

The lunch went out and when I went to pre bus the table the dad was through with his plate. I asked if I could take his dish for him and he came back with "Yes you can, I'm GOLDEN."

Back to the server alley to check with my co workers again...what the heck did "Andy Adjective" mean with THAT one?

I told my manager that when they left I may tell them to have a "Shining Afternoon."

It was all on one check and "Andy" said he would take it. The tab was a little over $70.00 and when I went back to pick it up he said there was no change needed it was all for me. He had left $100.00, almost a $30.00 tip for me. I went back to the table and said in earnest "Thanks for the SHINING tip!" He didn't miss a beat and told me it was "His pleasure." My co worker said that as soon as I walked off he probably said "That's a GOOD one...let me write that down."

After they left, "Curving" out the door of the restaurant, one of my regulars who eats with us almost every day of the week asked me if I knew who they were. I told her I didn't and she told me that they owned a restaurant in the neighboring city called "Broadway."

Maybe he was just using some Broadway terms..."BRILLIANT...GOLDEN." Whatever it was, it made my shift and put some groceries on my "Aromatic" dinner table in our house!

That's the funny thing about serving...you HAVE to treat every guest as if they are "The Golden Table." Sometimes it doesn't work out to your advantage, but sometimes it makes a "Bouncing" shift turn into a "Stupendous" affair!

Thank goodness my manager doesn't read my blog, because the ABOVE posted picture is not really his "Good" side...

Til Next time... COMPENSATED COTTON

Day Three

Massey called me today when I was visiting Frances. She said she is having a blast but the food sucks. She said there was mold on her pineapple (Right!). I told her to eat up! The penicillin will be good for her. I am sure the food is fine...not four star, but it will keep her alive.

Frances seems stronger every day. It seems I have created a monster of a running joke. My sister said when she went to visit earlier today she had taken Frances some jello cups with fruit in them. She went to stack them in the window sill and Frances exclaimed "Don't put them there, somebody'll TAKE them." Frances' niece said emphatically "No one is going to take your FOOD!!" I told my sister she could have put them in the lock box. When I went to leave, Frances' niece asked if I would take my sister back the vase that she had brought flowers in from her garden . Frances' niece said we didn't want it to disappear. Frances' room mate is an elderly woman who I have never even heard speak. Her two daughters...about my age are there with their mother every day. One of the daughters who was sitting in the chair on their side of the room wittily added "I already had my EYE on that vase!" It seems I've created a paranoia monster that is like a runaway train. Even though we are all joking, we now tend to be on alert!

Frances is one sharp cookie. Getting to know her and her out of town relatives has been a pure joy. Frances always has something funny to say and we all laugh the entire length of each and every visit. Now that we all have our eyes and ears open...we seem to be mentally "daring " someone to try and take any of Frances' belongings. I hope none of the staff overhears our jokes, or they may say "You know what Mrs. Cotton, Frances will probably be just fine at your house with all the locks and deadbolts I am sure you have there...let's wheel her on out to your car."

We readjusted the lock box to a position on the bed frame that is easier for Frances to access from her wheelchair. All kidding aside, it really was a good idea to get . It gives us all more peace of mind and something to joke about every five minutes.

The walls on her side of the room are covered in cards from friends and family and she seems to get her fair share of visitors.The wound nurse said today that she was healing really well and THAT was good news to everyone, especially Frances.

Hopefully she will be released before I manage to get her kicked out! The lady at the front desk who I have pressuring about the wifi problems doesn't even bother to say hello anymore and tries her best to look incredibly busy every time I walk through the front lobby to access the internet. At least when I am there she seems to be really earning her pay... as much as I am there, I may end up being the reason she gets a raise!

If she does get a raise and happens to send me a thank you note, I'll put it in the lock box for safe keeping.

I keep worrying that they will change the security code I use to enter the always locked facility and the next I pull in the driveway... will have Frances already wheeled out to the curb still in her bed with the lock box dragging alongside on it's bicycle chain. They'll say "Don't even cut the engine off, just tell us the combination to the chain lock and we'll put the box AND the patient in the back seat for you.

My Eye's Aren't Bad, But My Arms Are Too Short..

When I am at work...I card everybody. we had a bartender go to jail one night because the police sent in an underage person and she ordered a drink...It sounds more like entrapment to me...but who am I to argue? You "Can't fight City Hall"...

Now I find myself carding EVERYONE...just to cover my own butt.

The problem I am having is that I can't hold the driver's license far enough away from my face to read the date on the card.

Of course sometimes the person is a visiting associate with Hoshazaki( probably mis spelled) or Panasonic when I ask for ID it is in Japanese...so my usual comment is "ko-nee-chi-wa" which I horribly mis spelled..but know that it means hello in the Asian world.

I had a customer ask me if I needed to borrow his glasses..NO! What I need is longer arms.

DAMN...I am getting too old to be able to read a license..(Who had to make it in such tiny print anyway)? Like the government is TRYING to save us money....HELLO...I can give you a LOT more ways to save money than making me look old at work...(thank the Lord for the dim lighting).

Sometimes...no A LOT of times old people come in and comment about how dark it is in our restaurant.
I tell them that is the main reason I work there...the lighting takes ten years off of My life..If they change to florescent..I will walk out the door.

I just try to give good service...I always have a good time (I just make light of the worst case scenarios) and hope that it all evens up in the end.

Pretty much my job is a crap shoot these days...but I have been here thirty odd years and think that if ANYONE can survive...it is me...not to brag, but wooing the public has ALWAYS been a forte of mine. I have said it before and will say it again..I have my PHD in BS and put it to use to the fullest extent every day I walk into my store...and you know what...Hell , I have people I don't even remember saying "HEY. it's our good friend Kelly"...when I walk up to a table...but if they love me..I LOVE them.
I almost feel like saying "Thank you to my adoring fans...and thanks for remembering me".

My job is such a sales and marketing gig...but one that I feel I am good at.

I am one of the few people in America today that has SOME type of control over their income.

I do a crappy job and I either get fired or don't make money..I do a great job and my daughter gets a new lap top and I feel REALLY good about making other people feel better for coming out spending $50 on a meal for two in these struggling and worrisome times.

I am TRULY a BLESSED person....Cotton

The Triumphs and Trepidations of Raising a Son

I waited on a couple at work today that had a son, MAYBE almost two.

They ordered their food, having a side dish to spare that they didn't want, and I told them to order something for the toddler instead.

The mom said okay..bring a baked sweet potato with butter and cinnamon, maybe he will eat it.

After the meal came, I asked if everything was alright...and how was that sweet potato going over with the toddler?

The dad, who was currently eating the sweet potato said "He won't eat it".

I told them, just wait until they can SAY what they won't eat and challenge you at every remark, comment and turn .

I told them to enjoy it now, because when he is 14, it will be a nightmare.

I also told them to hold on to their sanity throughout the 13-14 year old stage, because when they hit sixteen they seem to soften and return to reality.

I told them the story of my own son, who at 14 had hair down to his shoulders (front and back) and looked like cousin "IT" from the Addams Family.

My husband and I both agreed it was a useless and unproductive battle , that we chose not to pursue.

It is kind of like when they bring home a girl you hate...tell them you hate her and they will bring her back in a week and introduce her as their wife.

We left the hair issue alone for over a year, when one day he came to me and said (thankfully) "Mom, will you take me to get a haircut"?

I was so excited..A HAIR CUT!!!

When we got to Great Clips... I sat in the car (like the mom of a 15 year old should).

When he came out twenty minutes later... he had a mow-hawk.
Not just a mow-hawk... but one with Liberty Spikes.

(Refer to a parental guide for a definition).

What could I say? What could I do?

We decided to ignore this next phase and pray for the next one.

He went to school to have his class picture taken and the principal told him to take his hair down for the picture.

My son was devastated and embarrassed in front of all of his classmates.
It was the first time in over twenty years that my husband EVER went to the school to fight his kid's battle.

He asked the principal if it was a COUNTY rule against mow-hawks.

It was IN FACT...NOT.

It was the Principal's personal opinion that my son's hairstyle was a distraction.

My husband (God Bless Him) stated that It was a violation of my son's freedom of expression...(although both of us hated it)...HE HAD THE RIGHT!!! AND HE KNEW IT!!

Once this battle was fought and won...it quickly fell to the wayside.

He now is clean cut and handsome.

He is just one of those kids that KNOWS "his rights"...and he is correct.

If he wants to look like an idiot...that is his right.

He stands up for his rights... knows them hands down...and uses , upholds his rights and liberties as he knows he is entitled to. (Damn , he is smart...just not using it wisely at this point).

He has moved on, and has grown into a son that I am proud of... maybe a little prouder.

He is a man that will change the world one day.

He has visions and ideas that even astound me!

My husband has even said that if we can get him out of high school...he will be the next BILL GATES!

He has worn me thin over the years, but made me love him even more for standing up for his beliefs and convictions...and being able to back them up every inch of the way.

Sometimes I wonder who's son he really is?

I HOPE HE IS MINE!!

Gotta love those boys... they try you, they test you and they can wear you out.

The biggest problem I have with my 13 year old daughter is keeping her room clean.


I am sure my day with her is coming soon...at least SHE is on a cycle!