Is This a Normal Person's Life?

It's no wonder I have a blog.

More can happen to me in a 24 hour period than happens to most people in a year. I'm not saying it's all bad...it just ALL seems to happen to me, my kids or dogs or to something I own.

I went to the John Deere place today to buy a new blade. The same guy that gave me the wrong air filter 3 times was at the desk so I should have known better than to think the blade I carried back out to my car was the right one. He DID have the right air filter so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and took the blade with me.

Let me start with saying before I EVER went to the JD store I wrote down my model number, the VIN number and measured my old blade that was still crumpled and attached to my mower. He never even looked at the piece of paper (I guess because he's such a Pro at his job.)


When he handed me the box my first words were "This is too long." He said with confidence "The box is longer than the actual blade." Having made 3 trips just to get an air filter I opened the box and the blade fit snug against the ends of the box.

I felt like saying "Strike Four ya big doofus." I tried to make myself think that maybe with all my "NASCARing" on Johnny I had worn the blade down two inches. I KNEW better, I wanted to protest but he was so apologetic about the air filter that I talked myself into believing him.

I got home and the stinking blade was two inches wider than the stinking deck on the mower. Shall I say "DOOFUS" one more time?

I took the blade back and discovered he had closed up shop five minutes early and I was left with a blade two inches too long. AARRGGG!!!

Not to worry! I rode across the street to Tractor Supply and tried to find the right blade. No luck...seems most JD parts are only at JD stores and I was outta luck once again.

Just for the heck of it I tried Home Depot. They only had JD blades bigger than the one Doofus had sold me.

By then it was time to get ready for work and I had to give up the fight (and search.)

At least my brother in law came over and took the crumpled blade off for me while I was at work and probably laughed at my back yard for good measure before he left.

Moving on to work.

Busy as a bee hive...I felt like I was TRULY in a cartoon . I was Wylie Coyote and all my tables were dressed as Road Runners. It was the longest two hours of my life and sweat was pouring down my back as I tried to keep the panic from showing on my face. It got hairy for a few minutes but my good friend Olive Oyl helped me and somehow I made it.

Last night was great as well...things ran smoother for me and I made a few good regulars. I had a party of six, 3 couples. They were all drinking and we enjoyed a nice humorous banter. When I was packing up their left overs (you always have left overs at Mama Lucia's...the portions are huge) one of the husbands said "You really know your stuff."

I replied my standard "I didn't go to college for nothing...got my PHD in BS and put it right to work." He said I would make a great salesman and I told him I considered myself in Sales and Marketing anyway. He asked if I was a good liar and I winked at him and said "One of the best, you good looking thing." His wife almost fell out of the booth laughing and once again I knew I had found the right job working for the right people waiting on tables in an environment that perfectly suited me and my personality. I quickly apologized to the man and his wife said "Don't you dare...that was the funniest thing I have heard in a while."

Bingo!

I told them you have to know who to kid around with and who NOT to kid around with and they all agreed they were a table that thoroughly enjoyed it.

I feel like I got my MOJO back. Now I just need my JD back!

If something kooky or bizarre didn't happen to me within a 24 hour period...I would check my pulse and wonder if I was still alive.

At least I ALWAYS have something to write about.

BTW...every one at work is all abuzz about the cartoon blog and we have decided that there may have to be a part III.

I got a text late last night from "Olive Oyl". It read, OMG...I am cracking up reading ur cartoon blogs. I love a good laugh!! :)

Have I found the right new home or WHAT?

You just wait til the JD store opens on Monday and I rip Doofus a new one...he is giving my "baby's" parents company a bad name and besides that Johnny looks all naked without his blade.

Look for more cartoons, more JD updates and more Cotton catastrophe updates.

"TILL" next time (get it?) Cotton

The Wheels on the Deere Go Round and Round...

SHEESH!! Talk about major surgery with multiple complications...I think Johnny flat lined a couple of times...no wait a minute, maybe that was me!
My last update had ole Johnny boy flat as a flit and sitting lop sided in his bed room...I mean my garage. I finally broke down and went to buy a new rear tire. The old tire had more plugs than tread and was a rolling exhaust fan. It's pretty bad when you can see the holes in the side wall and they are too big to hold TWO plugs put in together. Fix a Flats are great but they were only band aids that seemed to be getting smaller and smaller until it was like putting on one of those little circle band aids a doc puts on your arm after a shot. Unfortunately John Deere tires ain't cheap but compared to a Fix a Flat every time I cut the grass it was a MUCH better investment. Zach helped me get the tire off (another story all together) and I took it with me to Tractor Supply to prevent me from getting the wrong tire or wrong size...been there, done that. Thirty four dollars later I was home with a new tire and no clue as to how to mount it on the rim. Of course it was a Sunday and the tire stores with their fancy dancy tire mounting thingy were all closed. I did what comes natural...called my 'next door' husband. Believe it or not he hadn't had his number changed or my number blocked (yet) and even actually had the cajones to answer...Ya GOTTA love that man! He told me to come over and Massey and I trotted next door with the old tire still on the rim and the new tire. Being flatter than a pancake the old tire came off the rim pretty easily (compared to the next part.) About a half gallon of sealant goop came out of the old tire and luckily he had done this part in the grass. He cleaned the rim up like it was brand spanking new and then the hard part began. It took him a good fifteen minutes to get one side of the new tire on the rim and then he said "Okay, that was the easy part." The next part took more like twenty minutes and when he finally dragged out his air compressor out of his garage I thought Thank you , Jesus (and 'next door hubby.') The tire wasn't completely sealed around the rim and the air didn't help any at all. Being the genius he is he said "I saw a show one time on TV about truckers and how when they changed a flat on a big rig they sprayed starter fluid on the tire and lit it. The heat makes the tire expand and it pops onto the rim...wanna try it?" Massey and I both vigorously nodded and I sent up a silent prayer that it worked...not so much for me but for my neighbor who had just spent over half an hour helping me to fix his rival for my affection.."Johnny Dear." He told us to stand back and we both backed up about twenty feet (yeah, we're sissies.) After spraying the tire he held a match to it and it was like a small atom bomb went off..."WHOOSH." About two seconds later the tire gave a loud "POP" and the tire was sealed on the rim. It took him a couple of seconds to beat the flame out with a rag but it had worked! I told Massey in amazement "Dang...Mr. Ron's kinda like a wizard !" He just laughed and said "Yeah, that potion worked pretty good!" He inflated the tire with his compressor and asked if we needed any help putting the tire back on...I would've had to been blind , bedridden and hooked to a respirator before I would have even CONSIDERED saying "Yes." I thanked him about fifteen times and told him putting the tire back on would be easy. Massey and I trotted back across the yard and went into my garage to show Johnny his new appendage. I've never seen a lawn mower smile but he definitely looked happier to me. I had been using my huge Christmas tree stand as a jack (yeah, I'm a ghetto mechanic) and John was sitting on it now. Problem was with the new inflated tire he wasn't QUITE far enough off the ground to slip the new tire on. No problem...that's what 17 year old sons who sit around the house are for! Zach came out to the garage and lifted John's 400 pound butt off the tree stand so I could slip the new tire on. "With this tire...I thee wed" was going through my mind as it slipped on his axle. "Throw some bird seed and rice on me as I drive out of the garage" I wanted to say to Zach , as I jumped on my baby and cranked him up! Put him in gear... and AWAY WE (didn't)GO. @#$%! I tried reverse...still "No go." I told Massey, who had come out to wave me off on my maiden voyage to give me a push hoping the gears would catch or maybe I would just "Catch a break" and the gears would engage. Once I rolled down the drive I was leaning forward in a "GO GO GO' type of lurch just praying for a miracle. I Guess God was telling me my "miracle" balance was low so Massey and I pushed the mower back into the garage and I went inside to sulk. I got on the computer and googled the John Deere discussion board. For Pete's sake there were 16 pages of discussion topics and it took me 30 minutes to find anything helpful. One guy wrote that his JD wouldn't move and another guy had written back "Have you recently replaced a rear tire?" I clicked on the follow up comments and there were none. I guess they were keeping the solution a secret but at least I knew I was going in the right direction. I went into work the next night and was picking the cook's brains while they were pounding the crap out of the Veal, Chicken and Beef on the prep table. One of them said there was probably a reset button or toggle switch that incapacitated the transmission when a wheel fell off or was removed for safety purposes. Sounded good to me so when I went home from work tried googling THAT topic. No hits. But I came across a topic about replacing the pin into the axle before putting a rear tire back on. HMMM. Interesting, considering I didn't remember a pin when Zach took the tire off. After talking to my brother in law this morning I went out to the garage and sure 'nough...there was a two inch metal pin on the garage floor! I had seen it yesterday when getting in my car for work and thinking it was a nail, kicked it out of the way thinking "I don't need a flat on my car too!" My brother in law came over with a "Real" jack and took the tire off, put the pin in the axle and put the tire back on. This time I think I heard Johnny actually giggle...or maybe that was just me. Hopped on my yellow seat, cranked him up and put it in reverse..."GO JOHNNY GO...JOHNNY BE GOOD !!!"Success at long last! Only at MY house, can a flat tire be a blog a pain in the butt and an amusing antedote all rolled into one. Til next time..."CUTTIN AGAIN COTTON"

Ain't Life A Crapshoot ??

I am back home, two days back into work...ignoring the unpacked suitcases, stepping over the $300 worth of fireworks that my two "boys" bought in OLE "BAMA"...and have decided to start yet another book. (I read usually 2 to 3 books a week).

It is about a young woman in her thirties (WHEN did I get old enough to call a woman in her thirties...YOUNG)???? Her boyfriend (at this point in the book) has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

At this point in the book , I put it down on the patio table where I was reading... and began to ponder my life and circumstances.

I am 48 years old. I lost my Mother (I always capitalize my parents..they deserve it) when I was seventeen. I lost my Father when I was...umm... thirty twelve.

I always thought that I got a raw deal .

I lost my Mother when I was a complete "bitch"...no other word for it.

I didn't mean to be that way... it was just the "Way to Be" your senior year in high school.

She took it with grace and a grain of salt.

The day she died... she did it exactly the way that ANN LEACH would want it to happen.

It happened in the span of about thirty seconds. She was with me and my sister one minute, picking out and trying on clothes (only for my sister and me) but would pay for our selection of clothes...then she would go to Cloth World, a discount fabric store and buy herself some nice fabric on sale and go home and sew up an outfit for Sunday church service.

Don't get me wrong...She could have worked for Calvin Klein. Her sewing skills were legendary in our parts of the south west part of Atlanta.

As she fell back onto the floor, I knew in my tinny, whinny 17 year old brain that my Mother had just died on the floor in front of me.

It possessed me for years....I had been cheated !!

I gradually (about 15 years down the road) realized that God had smiled down on my Mother.

He knew what a fabulously talented woman and Mother that she was, and decided that she would not be left in a vegetative or impaired state.
He would just take her then...and WE could deal with the consequences.

As it ended up..the "Consequences" were vast and far reaching.

Our family fell completely apart...rebooted , readjusted and soldiered on.

Although it seems likes six months went by, it was almost twenty five years.

My Father at the age of seventy seven, was diagnosed with West Nile Virus. It was a rapid and unforgiving decline. (read my previous post).

He was healthy and vitally alert on day one...and ten days later he was taken off the ventilator.

I have often thought about these two days in my life.

But I realize that I could have been subjected to visiting my Mother in a nursing home, hoping for miracles that may have never happened. Instead, she went to her Heavenly home....so she could sit on my shoulder every day and be with me in my dreams every night.

As far as my Father was concerned..he HAD reached his late seventies..was sharp as a tack and was as happy as a GRANPA without his GRANMA could be.

He had his "lady friend" (was he OLD school or what)..and we all loved her.

His decline was unexpected and extremely rapid...(God once again smiled on our family).

It was tragic, it was horrendous, but it all happened in the span of ten days.

As I read about these cancer victims, Alzheimer's victims, heart patients... It comes to my mind that God has treated me more than fairly.

I am truly blessed with the fact that I had two amazing parents ; and BOTH of them were spared from the Chemotherapy, the nursing home and the rugged road to a decline that neither of them would have wanted for themselves or for us.

Sometimes I just feel like writing about them. Sometimes I just feel like telling you how I once felt cheated by this "crapshoot" we call life.

And sometimes I feel like looking at my life and saying, "THANK YOU, GOD" for not only giving my the most incredible parents in the world, but for taking them when you did...and for them not having to suffer, or make me suffer over their departing.

It has truly been a battle for me , my brother and sister as well...But to know that their suffering was brief is almost a sigh of relief.

To know that they are out of any discomfort , pain or impairment is just a tremendous amount of comfort to me...and knowing my parents as deeply and profoundly as I did...They would be thrilled with God's decision.

As it is, I have to be content with God's decision to take both of my parents, and live up to the standards and expectations that they not only instilled in but showed me every day of their short but very impressive time in my life.

I used to think I got the "SHORT" stick in life.. but in retrospect...I was a pretty lucky gal.

There are so many people in so many lands that have nothing close to the upbringing and inspiration that I had from my Mother and Father. Although it was brief, although I felt it was snatched from me...at least I HAD it.

It wasn't cancer followed by years and years of unanswered questions or prayers.

It wasn't a fall into the abyss of Alzheimer's that they could never climb back from.

It was simply a loss that I had to eventually learn to accept, and finally realize that I had been spared many years of discomfort not only for me but for one of my parents who may had been labeled to suffer and wither away in front of my eyes...and make their last years not pleasant to remember.

Except for each of my parents unexpected and sudden deaths...all my memories of my family unit as a whole are absolutely the BEST experience a child could ever dream or hope for.

Nothing but good memories(even the few not so good memories were always worth the lesson).

But as the years fly by, as my kids grow older I begin to think how truly blessed I have been.

Although my kids didn't personally know my parents...enough stories have been told and retold and retold. They have all three met my parent's life long friends and love each and every one of them. We have boxes and boxes of old pictures, report cards from first grade and even our "Cradle Roll" certificate from when each of us was enrolled at the church nursery on our first day at church service as a newborn. And know that my Diddy had each of us there on the first Sunday when we were brought home from the hospital; and probably didn't miss more than 3 Sundays over the next twenty years.

Our house was always alive with people , chatter and the hum of my Mother's sewing machine.

Our house was like a magnet for every kid that lived within 2 miles of our house. (Didn't you ALWAYS love to be at THAT house when you were a kid)?

Well that was MY house... and kids, adults and neighbors were always there and there could not be a more wonderful place to be... than to be at 2545 Bayard St.

I had the most fantastic parents that any kid on earth could ever have. I had a secure, loving and safe environment to grow up in, and I thank God for it every day.

Sometimes life IS a crapshoot. But my crapshoot of losing my parents early is totally overshadowed and made all the more bearable knowing that I had Frank and Ann Leach as parents, and that I was truly one of the three luckiest kids on the planet.

Every body loved my folks and that is really not much of an exaggeration.

I was blessed in the short years that I had with them, so many times over that I had to quit counting.

It has taken me till the age of 48 to realize that I may have gotten the short end of the stick...but it was the "best" end of the stick and the end that I needed to grow into the person, wife and mother that I feel like I am continually becoming and aspire to be.

So "Thanks" Momma and Diddy....You were the BEST!! I wish you could be here physically...but know that you are both with me and my kids in our heart and constantly on our shoulder. We are grateful for what we "WERE" able to have...You as grandparents, parents and our personal heroes.

"HEY"!! Maybe life isn't a Crapshoot.... Maybe it is just what WE make of it?

Till next time.............COTTON!!!