And to Think I Was Worried About the Teens of Today...

 I fell asleep in front of the TV the other day between shifts at work while watching some show on TLC. I woke up to the most bizarre show I have ever been witness to. I thought someone had added TPC (The Pedophile Channel) and I had rolled over on the remote and switched it to that channel.

 Low and behold I was watching Toddlers & Tiaras. I guess I've heard of it but watching it was totally mind boggling. At first glance I thought it was little girls with women's faces superimposed over their own. Nope!

I don't blame the kids...heck some of them aren't even old enough to write their name much less know right from wrong. On the other hand, What in the heck are these moms thinking??

In the span of one episode I learned  these moms take these girls for facials, adjustments at  the chiropractor, manicures and spray tans. I also learned every mom sounded like an idiot when they  talked to OR about their daughter. It was kinda like "Hee Haw does Hollywood."

One mom took her toddler to the local paint and body shop to get her daughter's spray tan. The goofball guy said "It's just like painting a car...that moves."

Then I learned what "Flippers" were. Stupid me thought they were what you wore on your feet to scuba dive. One of the girls was so excited when her idiot mom came in the house from the mailbox shouting "Yer Flipper's here!!" The little girl was jumping up and down as they ripped open a box containing toddler dentures. Then it shows the dentist who made them talking about the gap in  the little girl's teeth caused from sucking a pacifier for too long.

Now I'm all about getting rid of a pacifier but isn't replacing it with a set of uppers kind of an extreme way to make up for your obviously lacking parenting skills?

After one full episode I think my favorite part was the crowning ceremony. After standing behind the judges, yet directly in front of the entire crowd pantomiming their kid's entire routine while they were onstage performing (Mom always dressed in ratty jeans a tee shirt and hair from hell) it was time for the awards.
I learned quickly if you won the title of "Princess" you were in fact a loser and could pack up your kid's square dancing dress and go back to the trailer park.

Then they have a multitude of other "Loser Awards."

"Best Costume of Choice"
"Most Beautiful"
"Best Talent" (unless you're raising a prodigy there is no talent in a four year old other than not pooping in their pants or wetting the bed)

Then after giving awards to all  the other losers and shooing them off the stage they bring out the 'big guns.'

The title names are the best part. First you have a "Grand Supreme" in every age group. Then they have a "Mini Grand Supreme." (still not sure what that one was for but the kid WAS really short)

Then (drum roll please...)
Congratulations to number 34, you have won the "Ultimate Grand Supreme." Then they plop a crown  about five times too big onto the hair spray plastered bouffant hair of the little diva and give her a sash that won't stay up either since it was made to drape across boobs not baby fat.

The sad thing is,  these grown women are taking away their kid's ability to just "Be kids" and the kids are too young to even know it. The make up is "Play boyish" to say the least and  the outfits make square dancing oufits look chic. Granted I never had a toddler in a pageant but then again I never had $100,000 to spend on them just to bring home a trophy and a crown and sash that don't fit. So what they won a thousand dollars? Is it supposed to make you feel better that now you're only $99,000 in the hole?

I'll take my three kids just  the way they are. Living with rules, getting smacked when they need it and hugged when they have a bad day.

And by  the way..."Ultimate Grand Supreme?" I can think of three adjectives that would mean a heck of a lot more to a four or five year old in the long run. How about "Happy Carefree Innocent?" 

It was a disturbing but creepily entertaining show to watch and I assume that was the selling point  when pitched to the network.

I'm still happy with my three kids. They drive me crazy,  sometimes they drive and inspire me and sometimes they drive somewhere FOR me. Maybe I need to pitch a show "Teens & Tirades."

Today Zach won  "Grand Supreme" for fixing my broken door knob. Massey won "Ultimate Grand Supreme" for getting an "A" on her Spanish II test and I gave myself  "Mini Grand Supreme" for taking the day off!

Til next  time...(drum roll please)
COTTON