I Don't Need Help Looking Stupid

Sooo...Anyway, I am am work again, waiting on people for a living.

Sometimes the public totally amazes me.

Granted I work in the "City of Snobs".

I go up to my first table of the day...four business people, two of which are currently on their cell phone.

I introduce myself to an uninterested group (I always thought I was MUCH more fascinating).

I gave my little spiel...offering special drinks and asking if they " had eaten with us before"??

I was cut off short.

They ordered their drinks with one of the more wimpy men saying "and I would really like to have a whole dish of lemons with my water".

I returned to the table with their order and began my sales pitch.

"How about starting out with some boneless buffalo wings or some shrimp and lobster dip"??

The wimpy one immediately said "What I would REALLY like is a dish of lemons"!!

I tried to reign my smart mouth in and replied "Will that dish in front of you be okay, or do you need more"??

The woman with them tried to cover for the doofus by saying..."What we really need are four straws".

To which I handily responded "They are right to the left of the dish of lemons".

I sucked it up, took their order, and returned with their lunch in a prompt fashion.

I returned to the table after one minute to see that everything was to their satisfaction and was cooked and tasted great.

My wimpy guy (my favorite by now) was once again on his cell phone and waved his finger over and over again over his baked potato in a fashion that made me think he was trying to cast a spell on it.

The woman with them translated "He needs more toppings for his potato".

I almost said "OHH...I though maybe he wanted me to mix his potato up with my index finger". I held back, smiled and went to get him some more toppings for his spud.

I realize that I am just a waitress.

I realize that I am so far down the pole to them that I make their secretaries look like a big shot.

But I did EVERYTHING that they wanted..the FIRST time they asked for it.

Did they just want to repeat it to remind me that I was an insignificant person to them?

I do my job well...not to brag, but I am GOOD at my job.


It reminds me of the time we had a shrimp promotion and I was waiting on a pompous ole fart out with his wife trying to act like a bigshot. We had two different shrimp specials and I was trying to sell the ole wind bag on one of them.

He looked over at me and said "I can't decide between the two, so why don't you just surprise me"??

To which I quickly replied..."Okay...I am pregnant with your baby".

His wife snorted her margarita out of her nose, and to my relief...he fell out laughing . It turned the whole dinner around, and we ended up having a great hour together with them enjoying my PHD in BS.

You have to know who to kid around with and who to just put quietly in their place.

I take the good with the bad. The good tips are great, the bad tips will happen as well. It is just the average that I am worried about.

In this economy, I am just grateful that people are still going out to eat.

I try to do my best at EVERY table. It is a psychological game to me. I am there to sell, sell , sell.

I want them to buy, buy , buy.

If I do a great job; I make their meal a treat...a flawless dinner that they enjoy so much that they forget they have just wasted more money on one meal... that could have been spent on groceries for four meals.

It is my job in "Sales and Marketing", to make sure that every customer, whether I like them or not...has an exceptional experience at my table.

That is how after over thirty years in this business...I have regulars that come in and not only request me as a server, but will sit in the lobby and wait for forty minutes to sit in my section.

I may only be a waitress (server is the politically correct term these days).

I am proud of the job that I do, it has provided me with an excellent income for the hours that I work...and given me a lot of time to work on my comedy routine!!

YOU PEOPLE JUST CRACK ME UP!!!

Til next time "ROSEANNE COTTON"!!