Mother's Day....Really?

Went into work this morning to open . Of course I left with NO minutes to spare and had to stop for gas. When I pulled into the station I had five minutes to pump gas, pay and get to the restaurant which was one minute from the gas station. There was only one other vehicle there so I thought my odds were pretty good of making it on time..."NOT."

The other vehicle was a county truck marked "Animal Warden."

When I was a kid they were called "Dog Catchers." We would see them coming down the street and all line up and scream at them "BOO Dog catchers!" It consisted of a man riding in a truck with cages on the back and a long pole with a huge net on the end hanging on the side of the truck.

The woman in front of me at the cash register had pepper spray, multiple weapon looking devices hanging from her belt and a shirt with "Animal Warden" written in bold letters across the back. I guess animals have gone downhill since I was a kid and require a lot more force to be taken into animal custody.

As I waited for her to have her fifteen scratch off lottery tickets checked I noticed I had two minutes to get to work. One of her tickets happened to be a winner so then I had to wait while she decided what scratch offs she wanted to buy with her five dollar pay off. She actually turned to look at me and said "I ain't never won before." She finally chose "Two number sevens and one number twenty...and give me a Mega Millions for tonight. Straight box...cash option. Then I'll take a Jumbo Bucks...no make that a Fantasy Five quick pick."

I almost grabbed her pepper spray off her belt and doused her with it. By the time she could see again, I would be clocking in at work with my car hidden behind the restaurant.

I felt like screaming "My GOD woman, take your tickets and go catch some critters...they're out there just waiting to take over our county and we need you back on patrol. Time is wasting...Go gettum!"

Of course it wasn't HER fault I sleep until the very last second and know (to the minute) how long it takes me to shower, iron a work shirt and get out the door to get to work on time, but she was throwing a kink in my plan and I never liked "Dog Catchers" anyway. You can call them "Animal Warden" if you want to ...but they are still "Dog Catchers" to this ole girl.

Worked lunch, clocking in five minutes late and got off in time to pick Massey up from school and go home and lay on my bed in a prone position that wouldn't mess up my hair or makeup for forty five minutes. When I woke myself up with a start with that big snore that even scares yourself as you finally drift off ...it was time to head back to work.

Mother's Day is a joke for servers that are Mothers. It is almost like being punished and taking a cut in pay all at the same time. It amazes me how people come in to eat, see my wedding ring, gray hair and wrinkles on my face (very obvious signs of Motherhood) and still leave a crappy tip.

Of course these are just the amateurs, people that only go out to eat when forced to and know they will never see you again...a crappy tip is better than no tip, so at least they throw you a scrap.

Thank goodness I am at a great restaurant that has a very good regular clientele and will make some really good money this weekend. The down side..I am working Friday day and night, Saturday day and night and as an added bonus another double shift on Sunday.

At least I am working, and in this economy that is definitely a good thing.

Headed to fold another load of never ending laundry and watching some CNN before I get up to do it all again.

At least I know I won't have to wait on Osama and his multiple wives this weekend.

Til next time... A Super Tired Mom.

Return of "The Girls"

Went into work yesterday and about noon the walkers and wheelchairs came clanking through the doors of the restaurant..."The Girls" were back for another visit!

Same two care givers were with them and they had a couple of new faces with them. It takes them forever and a day just to get everyone seated and settled in.

They had a hot little firecracker from Ireland with them that was cracking me up. She wanted hot tea...and two minutes after we set her mug of steaming water in front of her she hollered (quite loudly) at me "Hey...this water is Luke warm at best!" I went to pick the mug up and it was hot, but I told her I would be right back with a new cup of hot water. I told the cooks to nuke the water in the microwave and took her back a cup that could burn off finger prints. She haughtily said "That's more like it" and was satisfied for another two minutes. She had taken her dinner napkin and spread it out under her dinner plate like a table cloth and was buttering a piece of bread with the small ramekin of butter that comes with the bread baskets. As I walked by her she said "I need another wee pot of butter for my bread." I came back with her "Wee Pot" of butter and by then of course her water was Luke warm again and had to replaced for the second time in a five minute span. This didn't bother me in the least.

I love waiting on these delightful ladies every time they come into our store ... they can boss me around all they want and I will hurry back to the table for more directions and requests.

They had a"Dapper Dan" with them on this trip and a lovely couple (he was in a wheel chair) his wife sat by him the entire time holding and rubbing his hand and the look in her eyes said that this was the most important man in her life and she was proud to still have him beside her...even if it was in a wheel chair and he had to be told what to do and helped through the entire eating process.

Ole "Dapper Dan" was on his own (swinging bachelor) and wandered off a couple of times from the table. At one point when every one was finishing their lunch he wandered back to the kitchen area to announce that he was with the big group but he was leaving. The girl who was waiting on them with me gently took him by the hand and suggested that they go back out to the dining room to wait for the others.

One of the care givers told me that after their last visit she had read my blog about them. We both had a good laugh and it made my day that she had read my blog about waiting on these wonderful seniors and that she had read how much it means to me to be a small part of their last days . Unfortunately with Alzheimer's it may not be days but years that they live in this state...but being able to wait on them, make their demands seem like nothing and get a smile out of one or two of them is enough to make my week.

One of the women had ordered the pork chop (after a LONG conversation and much debate.)
When I went back to check on them after the food arrived her chop sat untouched on the plate. She said she couldn't even cut it. I told her I would get a steak knife and cut it up for her. She got testy with me and said she didn't WANT me to cut it. She asked if I could just get her a ground beef patty cooked and put it in a box to go and she would give the pork chop to her dog. I told her of course I would and went to the kitchen to tell the cooks to put me a hamburger patty cooked in a box to go (I didn't ring it up.)

When I went back to the table one of the care givers called me over to ask me what was going on. I explained it all to her and she said "My goodness, she doesn't even HAVE a dog." I told I her I had wondered about that but it just seemed to make her happy so I didn't mind getting it for her. When I brought the hamburger patty back in a box the woman looked at it for a good thirty seconds and seemed so pleased that it made my day.

If these women had any memory left, they would ask for me every time they came in! Actually though one of them DID say "I remember you from last time." Whether she did or didn't doesn't matter. What matters is that I remember them .

As they scattered back to their walkers and shuffled their way out the door...my day was immediately brighter. On a high note, I don't think any of them stole any dishes this time!!

Til next time...Cotton

What Kind of Idiot Do I Look Like?...REALLY!!

So I am at work today...a pretty busy lunch (people wanting to avoid the horrendous VALENTINE DAY MASSACRE in the restaurant industry).

The hostess asked me to pick up an extra table...I'm ALWAYS up for that!

I greeted them and asked what they would like...cranberry tea, strawberry lemonade or maybe a glass of wine?

I was met with a brusque..."I want sweet tea with NO lemon, NO lemon, NO lemon".

I actually felt like putting three lemons in her glass and saying..."I AM SOOO sorry, I thought you said to bring you a sweet tea with a lemon, lemon, lemon....did you say NO lemon, No lemon, No lemon?

It gets worse.

She ordered a salad...I believe this is pretty much verbatim.

"I want a salad with iceberg lettuce only..and I mean no cucumber, no onion, no tomato, cheese or crouton...bring us a LOT of bread with extra, extra butter...just so you don't have to go back."

Her obviously beaten down husband said "bring me a cheeseburger".

I made sure the "princess's" salad was PERFECT...took them tons of (free) bread and refilled her sweet tea..with NO lemon, NO lemon, No lemon as often as it was emptied.

My point is...don't treat me like an imbecile until I act like one.

I really had to try hard to not give her my "Mama is ticked look". One that I frequently give not only my three kids, but my husband as well.

When their (perfect..thanks to me) lunch was over..she came back at me with "I would like one of your delicious sweet teas to go...with NO LEMON". Thank the Lord she only said the word "NO" once.

I told a co worker....If I could be truly sure she wasn't highly allergic to lemon...I would have sunk three lemons in the bottom of her to go cup!!

But needing my job as I do, and rising above her condescension... I gave them both a smile...took her a tea with NO lemon, No lemon,No lemon in a go cup and thanked them for coming in for lunch and told them that it was my pleasure to have waited on them.

Ya know...I have been doing this for thirty years...and granted I AM a goofball.

But wait until I really screw up before you treat me like I am Gomer on the Andy Griffith Show.

But what goes around comes around...they tipped me $5.00 on an $11.00 tab.

My psychological skills have been honed to perfection over my thirty years in this business.

It is almost a game to me...treat me like an idiot and I'll show you just how GOOD a server I am!

Just like I always say "I have my PHD in B.S".

The rest of the shift, my co workers and I made a game of repeating EVERYTHING three times.

When I walked out the door with the $90 in my pocket for a three hour shift...I said "Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye".

OH, I'll be back tomorrow....BRING IT ON!!!

Guess Who's Coming to Lunch? ...AGAIN!!

Once again the walkers were piled up and the wheelchairs rolled in!!

The ladies from the "home" paid me another delightful visit.

The same two nurses were with them. Two incredibly patient and reassuring individuals who make these folks mere existence (that is all some of them are doing...just existing)the epitome of quality care , respect...and realize that each and every one of them are due these things , having to bear the burden of Alzheimer's.


My manager came up to me before we opened and said "Your girls are coming in today for lunch".


I knew immediately who he was talking about. If YOU don't, please go back to last year's posts and read about my previous visit from these ladies. I posted it on Jan 9, 2008.

We had a male visitor today along with the ladies...a "Dapper Dan" type. He and the woman next to him ordered the same meal and he was so attentive and protective of her, that I asked the nurses if they were married. ?

They told me in fact they were married.

I replied that "At least they were going down this road together".

Everyone kept their granny panties on today, and no one even wandered off!

One woman did ask if she could take her steak home with her.

I told her I would box it up for her, and she pulled me down to her head and whispered..."Could I take it on this china dish ; I'll pay for it...I just want it".

I took her steak (on the china dish) wrapped it tightly in foil, threw in a loaf of bread and some plastic utensils. It just seemed to make her day...I know it made MINE!!

Another one of the women ordered hot tea, I made her a cup with the boiling hot water out of the coffee machine.

I returned to the table and my new friend (with a sweet English accent) said that the tea was cold. I KNEW it wasn't, but if SHE felt like it was...I would comply with her wishes and get her a new cup. I did it three times and every time, she complained that it was cold. I told another server, I hope she isn't scalding her throat with the tea.

I nicknamed this sweet lady "The Queen" since she was obviously from across the "Pond" as we say over here in "Hooterville".

They made my day.

I told the nurses that I had told about a hundred people the story of them coming in last year, to which they replied that they had probably done the same!

To wait on, not only these ladies but the two women that take such tremendous time and care with them...is one of the high perks that I have being a server.


Some are quite lucid and some are almost pitiful. But I treat every one of them the same. They are all someone's daughter.

They entered this earth years and years ago, and now are biding time until they leave this earth to return to their Father.

It was an EXCELLENT day for me and I hope at least a GOOD one for them.

On the way out one of the nurses said "Oh, we'll be back".

I love their optimism!!

Till next time...COTTON

I Don't Need Help Looking Stupid

Sooo...Anyway, I am am work again, waiting on people for a living.

Sometimes the public totally amazes me.

Granted I work in the "City of Snobs".

I go up to my first table of the day...four business people, two of which are currently on their cell phone.

I introduce myself to an uninterested group (I always thought I was MUCH more fascinating).

I gave my little spiel...offering special drinks and asking if they " had eaten with us before"??

I was cut off short.

They ordered their drinks with one of the more wimpy men saying "and I would really like to have a whole dish of lemons with my water".

I returned to the table with their order and began my sales pitch.

"How about starting out with some boneless buffalo wings or some shrimp and lobster dip"??

The wimpy one immediately said "What I would REALLY like is a dish of lemons"!!

I tried to reign my smart mouth in and replied "Will that dish in front of you be okay, or do you need more"??

The woman with them tried to cover for the doofus by saying..."What we really need are four straws".

To which I handily responded "They are right to the left of the dish of lemons".

I sucked it up, took their order, and returned with their lunch in a prompt fashion.

I returned to the table after one minute to see that everything was to their satisfaction and was cooked and tasted great.

My wimpy guy (my favorite by now) was once again on his cell phone and waved his finger over and over again over his baked potato in a fashion that made me think he was trying to cast a spell on it.

The woman with them translated "He needs more toppings for his potato".

I almost said "OHH...I though maybe he wanted me to mix his potato up with my index finger". I held back, smiled and went to get him some more toppings for his spud.

I realize that I am just a waitress.

I realize that I am so far down the pole to them that I make their secretaries look like a big shot.

But I did EVERYTHING that they wanted..the FIRST time they asked for it.

Did they just want to repeat it to remind me that I was an insignificant person to them?

I do my job well...not to brag, but I am GOOD at my job.


It reminds me of the time we had a shrimp promotion and I was waiting on a pompous ole fart out with his wife trying to act like a bigshot. We had two different shrimp specials and I was trying to sell the ole wind bag on one of them.

He looked over at me and said "I can't decide between the two, so why don't you just surprise me"??

To which I quickly replied..."Okay...I am pregnant with your baby".

His wife snorted her margarita out of her nose, and to my relief...he fell out laughing . It turned the whole dinner around, and we ended up having a great hour together with them enjoying my PHD in BS.

You have to know who to kid around with and who to just put quietly in their place.

I take the good with the bad. The good tips are great, the bad tips will happen as well. It is just the average that I am worried about.

In this economy, I am just grateful that people are still going out to eat.

I try to do my best at EVERY table. It is a psychological game to me. I am there to sell, sell , sell.

I want them to buy, buy , buy.

If I do a great job; I make their meal a treat...a flawless dinner that they enjoy so much that they forget they have just wasted more money on one meal... that could have been spent on groceries for four meals.

It is my job in "Sales and Marketing", to make sure that every customer, whether I like them or not...has an exceptional experience at my table.

That is how after over thirty years in this business...I have regulars that come in and not only request me as a server, but will sit in the lobby and wait for forty minutes to sit in my section.

I may only be a waitress (server is the politically correct term these days).

I am proud of the job that I do, it has provided me with an excellent income for the hours that I work...and given me a lot of time to work on my comedy routine!!

YOU PEOPLE JUST CRACK ME UP!!!

Til next time "ROSEANNE COTTON"!!

Revenge is MINE...Saith the Server

I had a great lunch shift at work today.

It started with a party of 18 women, mostly in their eighties...out for an annual lunch.

One lady immediately sat down and dug her ziploc baggie out of her handbag. She probably had fifty coupons for our restaurant, free deserts, free appetizers, $3 off two entrees, you name it and she had it. I was the bearer of bad news that she could not deal the coupons out like a deck of cards to her other seventeen friends and have them all taken off the bill. It specifically is printed "One coupon per table" and "Not valid with any other offer or discount".

I summoned my manager to the table and we worked out a deal. We would buy them three appetizers and let them use two free dessert coupons.

The lady in charge of this Grand group of Dames, somewhat begrudgingly agreed.

Not to mention that when she had called the day before to make the reservation, my general manager had told her precisely the same thing on the phone. (Good try, Granny)!!

Of course I made sure the lunch went as smooth as silk. Every glass was refilled, every dirty plate removed, salads all came out perfectly on time, and they all received their lunches at the same time (thank you fellow servers)!!

They were a truly pleasant bunch to wait on, and I enjoyed waiting on them.

I had all eighteen separate checks ready for them...all in the order that they sat around the table, and they were very gracious about giving me a few extra minutes to make change for eighteen separate tabs. Most all of them left me more than 15% as a tip, and several commented on my wonderful skills as a server...to which I gave my standard reply "I didn't go to college for Nothing"!!

I should have known that next table was bound to happen (the law of averages).

The host seated my table with a gentleman (I'll be nice and call him that). He asked if I could do something about the A/C vent that was "BLASTING down on him.

I suggested "Another table perhaps"? (With the hot flashes that I am having in my late forties...ain't NOBODY turning the A/C off...at least not from MY request)!!

After changing tables three times, "Captain Sunshine" was ready to order his drink.

When I brought it back to the table, he was already frantic that he needed three more menus (he was expecting joiners and had left at least one menu on every table he had tried).

I told him I would have those right out, and if he needed me before his party arrived, my name was KELLY. He quickly told me in a booming and demanding voice that "I DO need you...I need you to WAIT on me and do it now"! I calmly replied that I thought he was waiting for three others, to which he BOOMED back "CAN I ORDER SOME APPETIZERS"???

I turned around, before I bitch slapped him and spoke to the man I was waiting on at the table next to Capt. Sunshine. My other customer gave not only a pitying look of condolence, but a quite loud comment of "You have been a great server, thanks for the good service and I hope you have a wonderful day". (Thank you unknown customer).

When I saw that the three joiners had arrived, I dreaded going back to the table, but plowed on with my job...avoiding eye contact with the old man and focusing with a smile at the three people who had sat down (all three around my age).

Once I had taken all three drink orders, the ole man said in a huff "My friends aren't as rude as me". To which I replied somewhat loudly, with my arms lifted toward the sky "THANK YOU JESUS"!!!

Actually that got a chuckle out of everyone at the table, and ole grumpy pants said "I've just had a really shitty day".

I started to point out that he was beginning to make mine the same way...but I restrained myself (I CAN do that if I really try).

I made sure their meal was as flawless as my sweet old ladies lunch had been...and almost had the old man wrapped around my finger without him ever knowing it.

After the lunch, he came into the service hallway, barking out that it was the younger man's birthday, and didn't we do something for birthdays? I replied that I could bring him a hot fudge sundae...to which he said "Just make it quick...I gotta be back at the office in ten minutes".

I returned to the table with the birthday sundae and told the younger guy "Happy Birthday"!! My crusty old "friend"(by this point)said "I thought that ya'll used to sing or something".

I said, with a smile on my face and a sweet glint in my eye "We used to...but people just started getting so mean we stopped doing that".

(Actually it was a corporate decision, but one that I was grateful for. It wasn't TOO bad when we used to chant our little birthday limerick ...unless I walked up to a table and it was someone that I went to college with. Then it was just embarrassing).

By this point in the lunch, I had taken great care of this group, given them outstanding service, and I knew that I had made my statement with my server skills.

Ole grumpus gave ME a 20% tip and I had given HIM a subliminal tip.

You don't have to be an ass until something goes devastatingly wrong or someone screws up the service that you expect and deserve when spending hard earned money in today's economy.

Another lesson learned, and another one taught.

Sometimes I really love my job, and today was the perfect example.

Til next time...COTTON

Don't Go "POSTAL" on me!!

I was working a Saturday day shift...standing at the hostess stand chatting with the host, when the mailman came in the door with the mail. It was the middle of summer, it was about 100 degrees outside. The mailman came literally dripping into the front door of the restaurant...holding a bundle of mail for us. I of course was quick with my witty rendition , singing lightly.."WAIT A MINUTE MR. POSTMAN"!! His response was to stare at me like he was getting ready to pull out an M-16 and leave me in a puddle of blood that would be a lot more impressive than the sweat that he was drenched in, coming from every sweat gland that he had in his big ole body. He continued to stare at me, not saying ONE word. As the awkward silence seemed to last forever, I bantered back with a sweet "How are you doing today? It sure is hot out there, isn't it"? This once again got nothing but a stare, and I had the feeling that he was fixing to pull a missile launcher out of his bag and take me out right there in the lobby of the restaurant. So I just meekly replied...."I guess I will just mosey on now..nice to see you". I scurried away from the host stand...not daring to look over my shoulder into the barrel of a missile launcher. The host came up to me and told me I had another table, and I was grateful to have somewhere else to go. I went up the steps to my station of tables...and there he was...seated at my table....our "POSTAL" worker had decided to eat with us, and fate sat him at my table. I began by saying there would be no more singing from this point on, and what could I bring him? He said, as nicely as if he was Charles Manson coming in to eat " I want a cheeseburger, medium, no tomato...I repeat, NO TOMATO..do you have that part? I want a coke with a lot of ice ..I repeat a lot of ice...did you get that part"? I said that I certainly did, and began to give this "HAPPY" guy the best service that I could muster up...all the while shaking in my work shoes. The coke never got empty, the burger was served exactly right. He never got any happier acting with me, but he ended up leaving me a decent tip. A couple of months down the road, I had a man, his wife and their daughter at my table. I kept thinking "where do I know this guy from"? And then he ordered a cheeseburger with "no tomato"....and it struck me like a two by four in the forehead....IT WAS CHARLIE MANSON AGAIN!!!! I once again made sure that everything went as smooth as silk...another flawless meal!! Tonight, we were in a twenty minute wait, the manager told me there were three parties up front that wanted my table...how fast could I turn my tables? About that time, "CHARLIE" the mail man came stomping through the dining room and ran into me. He said "Can we get you to wait on us"? I was FLOORED!! I told him I had several people waiting on my tables, but if he asked a manager, he could request my section. He looked at me with his "DEATH" stare, and replied..."What's your name"? I told him to ask for Cotton..and he stomped back up to the lobby. I waited on him and his family again (another flawless performance....I AIN'T stupid)..and he left me an $11.00 tip on a forty dollar tab. Isn't it crazy how things happen...He Hated me when he met me, but now requests me when he comes in. So my lesson is this....maybe I am not the comedienne that I think I am, but obviously I am the server that I have spent thirty years becoming...and I suppose have succeeded at doing. Who would ever think this grumpy ole guy would ask for my table? It is an honor to have someone recognize my skills as a server (If not my skills as a singer or joker). That is my favorite thing about being a server...a good server. People might not want my singing or jokes, but it amazes me that they want ME to wait on them...and will wait for my table to come open. HEY!! I didn't go to college for NOTHING!!! Till next time....COTTON

How do they "manage" to make it through a day?

Let's not leave out the most important part of our restaurant team... The management....at least we let them "think" they are the most important (just kidding). They work sixty plus hours at the store.. some coming in at 4 AM to receive deliveries, some staying until past one in the morning. They have one hundred people pestering them at all given times...from dishwashers to hosts to servers, cooks, and most dreaded...irritated customers. I was a manager at the last restaurant I worked at, and I am here to tell you, it ain't easy; by a LONG stretch. They are the hardest working and the hardest worked people in the restaurant business. I must admit that my managers treat me so great that I sometimes wonder what I have ever done to deserve such wonderful treatment?! But what is great about our management team is that the harder you work, the better they treat you... so I must work pretty darn hard. They have people constantly seeking them out in the store... people wanting them to buy ads in yearbooks, coupon books, banners in ball fields, or just wanting to rant and rave over the fact that their French onion soup was cold. It amazes me daily that the public can get SO worked up over an over done steak, or the fact that they had to actually WAIT for a table on a Friday night. Just wait till Valentine's Day... Every manager in the place will have an ulcer by the end of the day. They do not hesitate to jump on the line and help cook.. some have spent hours on the fryer, or char grill, even the salad window, just helping us get caught up and expedite the food. Many days, they will even wash dishes, plunge a toilet, or escort an intoxicated person out the door. They are the restaurant "parents" , and are responsible for every action, every complaint, situation and problem that arises in the course of a day. But throughout it all, they smile, are considerate to the customers.. whether they are wrong or right; put up with people calling in sick, not showing up, or not doing their job. And for some unknown reason, they continue to show up again the next day. Dealing with not only the public sector, but the behind the scene problems is enough to drive you crazy... Maybe that is why very few of our managers have a full head of hair! But my respect for them is immense, my sympathy for them is even greater. It is a fast paced, hectic world in the job of pleasing the public; but my bosses do it better than anyone in the world... and I am pretty sure that I am right on the mark with that statement... and will stand behind it, or them... any day of the week... Till later...COTTON