OUCH

Going on almost a month since my last day off but still feeling pretty good for an old woman. I had to be at the airport by one thirty today but had everything ironed, ready and packed up so slept in an extra twenty minutes.

I won't do THAT again!

Left with just an hour and thirty minutes before my shift started. The MARTA lot was packed but lately have been really lucky snagging a spot close to the entrance.

Not today.

Finally I saw a guy come out of the station and head to the parking lot. I caught up with him walking down an aisle and asked if he was leaving? He said yes but was way at the end of the lot.

Down to one hour before clock in. Beggars can't be choosers so asked if he wanted a ride to his car? The sun was blazing hot and I was sweating just sitting behind the wheel of my next door husband's little truck. He was a pretty big dude and didn't hesitate to take me up on my offer.

Unfortunately he was correct about being "Way at the end" but at least knew I had a spot waiting. He got out of the truck, thanked me for the lift and got into his car.

Down to forty five minutes I halfway jogged (uphill of course) and ran down the steps to the train, barely making it between the doors of the train as they closed. Five minutes later I got out and hoofed it quickly outside to the shuttle bus, out of breath AND under thirty minutes to spare.

My luck changed for the better (a feeling I'm definitely not used to) when the shuttle took off for the international terminal five minutes later. Sometimes they wait to fill the bus and sometimes if  travelers outnumber employees they ask you to step off and wait for the next shuttle.

The shuttle bus pulled up to the international terminal about twelve minutes later and mentally patted myself on the back for making such good time.

I was on my cell while on the shuttle, bragging on Facebook about what great time I was making, which meant I had my glasses on. I was all worried about how long the line may be at security and stood up to get off the shuttle bus quickly.

Here's the thing. I can't read squat without my peepers on but can't see to walk WITH them on.

I forgot to push them up onto the top of my head when I stepped down off the bus and couldn't tell how far down the step off was to the curb.

I learned very quickly was WAY off on my judgement of the step down and fell flat onto the palms of both hands and knees on the concrete. The humiliation made me jump up quickly and at least ONE dude asked if I was okay.

I shook my head up and down to let him know I was okay when immediately remembered I was wearing the brand new jeans I'd just bought at WalMart. (since all my other jeans were five years old and sagged like a bag on my now emaciated looking ninety eight pound frame)

I could feel one of my knees bleeding but Thank The Lord the new jeans were okay. I spent thirteen dollars on those jeans!!

I shoved my glasses back onto the top of my head, limped through the doors and headed for security.

Made it through and walked into the atrium with enough time to spare to sit in a chair for four minutes to let my sweat evaporate in the nice cool air conditioned terminal.  I wiped the knees of my brand new jeans off with spit on my fingers, both had marks on them from where I fell on the concrete.

You know, I don't have to make stuff up! My life is a comedy of errors.

Unfortunately USA was playing in the World Cup this afternoon and killed business. Slowest I've ever seen it since starting there but still walked out a hundred dollars richer.

I have to be at the restaurant by eight thirty tomorrow morning and not sleeping one minute past the time that alarm goes off.

On the upside will get off around five or six PM and to me, will be like a day off.

Til next time...COTTON

Everybody Knows an "Eddie Haskell"

If you read my blog you know I assign everyone (almost everyone) at work a nickname.

We have a new guy that is young...REALLY young especially compared to me.

We have a running joke at work...the last few people we have hired that just haven't fit in had first names beginning with the same initial. It's a JINX I tell you!

This one's no exception.

I CAN say that when the first JINX started the bar was really low. We raised the bar with every JINX we have hired since and now have it about thigh- high . Of course that's still too low for me to Limbo under so we need to keep searching for that bar raising JINX .

I think everyone knows an "Eddie."

It's the guy that works harder at getting out of work than it would take to DO the work.

It's the guy that thinks he's cool when every one else knows he is a doofus.

He's always likable enough but just when you let your guard down and try to cut them a break they do something to remind you why you gave them the nick name "Eddie."

Sometimes it's nice having an "Eddie" around.

Number One: You don't have to try as hard to look good at work.

Number Two: It gives you something to laugh at especially on the really tough shifts...that's when they generally screw up even more and STILL try to act like they really have it going on and YOU'RE the dummy.

Number Three: I guess when I was really young I was an "Eddie." I hope I wasn't quite as lazy or shiftless...actually I KNOW I wasn't.

All in all I dismiss most of it to being a kid.

I think ALL people are kids until they are approaching their thirties. Some are slow learners and remain kids late into their thirties, and have even known some people to be ridiculously inept and unreliable well into their fifties.

"Stupidity doesn't discriminate."

It's like getting in line behind someone at the Cable company, bank or Verizon store that wants to argue every point, ask every question and wage every battle in the little window of time they have face to face with a company representative (that obviously couldn't care less and is in absolutely no position to change or do anything about your complaints and grievances.)

But they will still stand there and waste MY time and everyone else's.

When will they learn?

When will they realize no matter what bank, cable or cell phone provider you choose...they're gonna put the screws to you. You signed on the bottom line, you gave them your social security number, you waited in line so long to sign up for service your eyes are too tired to read the tiny print, you sign and hope you've signed with the "Least Evil."

There should be two lines in these offices. One line should be "Compliant" and the other "Combative."

If you are retired with nothing to do or extremely rich, get in the "Combative" line...and "Good Luck."

If you are like me and have five minutes to pay a bill get back in the car and be at the high school before your daughter starts calling and sending you texts and hope you don't run out of gas on the way back to work because you don't have time to stop...get in the "Compliant" line.

I can't wait to be old and combative...geez, I just hope I get to be old. The rest will all be gravy.

Don't get me wrong, if you are flat out wrong I will press the point and usually win the battle.

If you are a company that didn't exist or wasn't even a factor in life forty years ago (cable, cellular, Internet) I know you are gouging me.

I grew up perfectly healthy and happy without Internet, cable and a cell phone.

I know it can be done...can somebody tell my KIDS that?

What does it mean when you are living in the "Jetson" years and working with an "Eddie Haskell?'

I am "Lost in Space."

My universes are colliding...next thing I know Fred Flintstone will be knocking at my door telling me Tim didn't pay his "Water Buffalo" dues and Wilma was "tweeting" about him being a "Dead Beat Buffalo."

Til next time... COTTON

I'll Be Performing TWO Shows Tomorrow...

This is my best profile shot yet!

Actually limped into work five minutes early this morning...I am so used to working lately I just automatically get up and put on a uniform and could drive to the restaurant with my eyes shut.

I only had to work the lunch shift so it gave me something to look forward to..."A Night Off."

Right off the bat it got busy. We have an awesome brunch and word of mouth seems to be spreading. Brunch spilled over into lunch and I made the comment to Barbara if I was going to have to work this hard every Sunday they'd have to pay me more than $2.13 a hour. She told me she  she saw a "Now Hiring" sign at Burger King. Guess that joke didn't work out too well for me...but I had plenty more up my 3/4 length sleeve!

Barbara is quite the spend thrift. She can pinch a penny til it screams. She wastes NOTHING and lets nothing go to WASTE.

She takes home the coffee grounds and tea grounds for her garden.

She keeps two small buckets in the kitchen by the dish area.  She makes every server put bread that customers leave in one bucket and she takes it home to feed all the birds in her yard. In the other bucket we have to leave all seafood and meat scraps for a white fox that visits her back yard and the deer that probably line up behind the fox. She feeds the stray cats that hang out in the back of the parking lot at work. She gets livid if she walks through the kitchen and sees that some careless server has actually thrown garbage in the garbage instead of her "wild life fund" bucket.

Today she rooted out a newspaper thrown carelessly away with the coupon pages untouched.

I made the comment to her that she "Would make a great bag lady." I told her if something ever happened to the restaurant she and Len would be just fine. We'd find her an old grocery cart with a wobbly wheel to push around and she'd be set.

Len was in the office with the door open and said "Kelly,you don't know how much truth there is to what you just said."

Barbara  said "I grew up very poor...my father died when I was only 8 and my mother never remarried." I said "She never remarried?" Barbara said "no."  I said "Well you may have been poor but at least your mom was SMART."

That got me a pretty good chuckle from Barb! (not so much from Len)

My comedy routine spilled over into a baby shower I worked with another server in one of our private rooms. It was just a party of 12 and they were all very nice.  We were clearing off the last of the dishes so they could serve the cupcakes when I announced "Okay ladies, the male stripper is finally here and he's wearing a ONESIE ! "
The guest of honor told me after she quit laughing that she thought her water just broke.

BA DA BOOM!
 That's right...I'm a good stinkin' server and on top of that you get a free comedy show!

After that show was over and I was preparing to leave the venue (I mean the restaurant) three of us servers were standing at the bar doing our check outs. One of the servers, a cute  girl who is head over heels in love with a really great guy pulled out her cell phone and showed us a picture of her dresser in her bedroom. She said "Look what I came home to last night...three long stemmed roses and a handwritten note for no reason at all."

Of course I knew it was from her fireman/SWAT team boyfriend, Richard but decided to act like it was from the crazy Latino in the kitchen at work (and when I say crazy I mean CRAZY)

I said "That's really sweet, was the note in Spanish or did Freddie get someone to write it for him?"

Once again a round of cackles and applause...

I had finished my check out and was clocking out when I announced to the girls "That concludes my show for today but thanks for coming. I'll be working TWO shows tomorrow...Lunch and Dinner, be sure to tell a friend!"

It's a wonderful thing to love a job and to have a job that loves you.

Til next time Phyllis COTTON Diller