Dreading The Inevitable

This guy.

Our HAM.

He came to live with us when he was a young pup and has been one of the best dogs I've ever had the pleasure to meet. My brother in law rescued him from living chained to a tree in the hot Georgia summer and brought him over to our house for a visit. Ham never left. When he was about five we noticed a slow change in him. His father, who still belonged to my sister had gone blind at a young age and unfortunately Ham was going blind as well.  Also unfortunate for Ham, this happened when we were essentially broke. People rallied to Ham's support and graciously donated more than enough money to pay for a consultation with a vet who could perform lens implant surgery to restore his sight. It was the same vet my sister had used to restore her pups' sight. We also located a charity willing to fund the entire procedure, which would cost over three thousand dollars for just one eye. One eye was better than none and knew he would get used to it.

 I didn't even own a car at the time and had to borrow a friends, but my son Zach rode with me and took Ham for his consultation. The doctor even had a picture of Ham's father in her office!

She told us after her examination that we needed to get Ham's shots up to date and then could schedule the surgery.  I knew it would be about three hundred bucks for shots and a check up and like I said, we were some broke ass jokes back then. Someone told me about a mobile low cost vet who came to our town once a week. We went the next week and indeed he was dirt cheap. He parked his van in a parking lot by the county animal shelter and you simply waited in your car after filling out the paperwork until it was your turn. Then the vet came over to your car and examined your dog, took a blood sample and gave your pet their shots...and went back to his van to read the blood sample.

Ham's blood work came back positive for heart worms. It devastated me and even more devastating meant he couldn't have the surgery. I checked around and learned that curing the heart worms would cost around three thousand dollars as well.

Back to the 'Vet in a Van' we went the very next week. He said he could do it for $400 with three shots. The first one, then a second one the very next day and a third one the following month. I used what was left of donations for Ham's surgery to have the treatment done. It was touch and go but Ham came through like a champ, and six weeks later tested negative for heart worms.

Then Murphy's Law took over...again.

After calling the vet opthmologist back and telling her what had transpired, the charity decided it was too risky to put Ham under anesthesia  now, for what they perceived as elective surgery. He could live without sight, but powerful sedation may kill him given his previous heart worm status.

So we just let him be and incredibly enough he adapted to sightless life. After all, he had lived in our house and yards long enough to know every inch of the place and maneuvered it like the boss he was. 

Once his sight was totally gone he became more nervous and by now we also had Charlie and Ziggy. Charlie could be a grump and if Ham accidentally bumped into him often growled at Ham. Ziggy was still a youthful pup and only wanted to nip and play, which made Ham even more nervous as Ziggy darted around him.

Then the sporadic dog fights started.

Our once copacetic trio turned into a shit show. Ham got even more nervous when he couldn't see what or who was around him and when scared would often react in defense mode. Soon Ziggy and Ham had to be kept apart at all times, when they used to be best buds.

Charlie was easy to control, the laziest dog ever, was just happy to have a place to plop down.

I really thought the move to Orlando would be the end of Ham.

He rode with me the day of our move. He didn't sit down in the car seat until we were over four hours in on the drive to Orlando.

Then he had to learn and navigate totally new and unknown surroundings.

Once again, he amazed us all. 

The first night we left him with my brother so we could unload the moving van without having to put him in a strange room all alone. My brother said Ham took a cautious stroll around his house and knew the place within five minutes.

The next morning my cell rang (with an Orlando number) and a woman asked if I had a dog named Ham? She had found him in her yard, half a mile away from my brother's place and called the number on his dog tag.

 I called my brother and he told me Ham was gone and had been looking for him for half an hour.

He'd put Ham out (into his fenced in yard) and went back inside to brush his teeth. He came out five minutes later and Ham was gone.

Somehow, someway, Ham (totally blind) found a way out of my brother's yard and meandered half a mile away...in the direction of our new house. The woman didn't even know he was blind until I told her. She told me he was the sweetest dog she'd ever met.

Massey went and picked Ham up and brought him home to our new rental house.

Yet again he quickly adapted to his new digs. One walk through the house and the ole man had it down. Five minutes in the tiny back yard and he knew every inch of it. The dog is simply amazing and unbelievably adept.

He and Charlie were good buddies. He and Ziggy were good buddies. Then they weren't. 

I don't blame Ham. I blame me.

We moved him from his comfort zone in Georgia to an unknown zone and then some.

As much as I love my dogs, we just did what we had to do.

Ziggy and Ham both have changed since Charlie has been gone these few short weeks. Neither one of them have gotten on to the love seat, which was Sir Charles throne.

Ham, who is even older than Charlie was, has seemed to realize it's his time as well.

He isn't eating much and moves from dog bed to dog bed. He doesn't seem to be in pain but more resigned to the fact that his time is coming to walk over the Rainbow Bridge.

Tim and I were talking just last night about how much he has slowed down and both agreed it wouldn't be much longer that we had him around.

I left for work this morning  before noon. Massey texted me at work around one and said she was worried he wouldn't be alive when she got home from work tonight. She went into work at two, a total wreck and my brother told her to take his truck and credit card and to go take Ham to the vet.

While his intentions were admirable we need to be be realistic. Ham has lived for almost thirteen years and led a pretty great life with us.

If I loaded him up in a truck and took him to the vet, he would be traumatized just by the ride and would totally freak out going blindly into a vet office with dogs barking which he couldn't see and would most probably send him into cardiac arrest.

I'd rather have the old boy go right here in our rental house, where he finally feels comfortable and preferably in his sleep. 

I left work after Massey's call. My managers told me to go and never hesitated about letting me do so.

I came home and found my stethoscope I'd had since Massey was little and suffered from asthma.

His heart beat is slow, very slow and often times quits beating for several seconds. I know this isn't a good sign but as long as he seems pain free will let him die on his own, on his own terms, in a place where he feels at home.

I pray that God takes Ham sooner than later.

He's been an awesome dog. He's lived a long good life with us and been equally as good to us if not more.

Life is a just a chapter in your existence.

It's time for Ham to run and play again. It's time for him to see everything clearly and jump for joy.

 

Oh Ham.

You have been an amazing addition to our lives and given us miles of smiles.

My last wish for you is to go peacefully and in a place where you feel comfortable.

There is a reason Dog is God spelled backwards.

They both love us unconditionally.

My heart hurts. Massey is beyond devastated. Ham is her  boy. 

The only bad thing about having a dog is they never live long enough.

Ham, you dug the holes, jumped the trees and made our life better every step of your way.

We will never pass this way again, but Thank You, Ham for passing through our way while you could. 

Until next time...

COTTON

There But By The Grace Of God, Goes Any One Of Us

I don't want to jinx anything but life has been going pretty well for me. We've had to extend our lease in the tiny rental house but I'm okay with that...it's only temporary and our landlord treats us well.

I'm finally making pretty good money and beginning to build up my savings again (albeit) slowly.

...That's my mantra.




We were all devastated over losing our Charlie...

But the ole guy had a good life with us for almost fourteen years and went peacefully when his time came. We all still talk about and miss him, but at least now it makes us smile when we do.

This was the last picture we ever took of Sir Charles, at the vets office the day he left this world.

                                                             Love is a four legged word.



Life goes on...

A co worker recently got fired from the restaurant. Unfortunately it was warranted; the write ups had been made and the warnings had been given. It still kinda sucks though, for him. The guy had (has) some problems. Fighting your demons is never easy.

Been there done that as well. Maybe in a different way but everyone has demons to battle. Winning the battle is what matters more.

I was off the day it happened. Massey sent me a text while she was working . One of her besties who works with me, told Massey about it, who in turn  relayed the message to me at home. (modern technology)

My heart sank for the guy.

Yeah, he was already riding the struggle bus...which also unfortunately was the only mode of transportation he currently had.

A while back he and I knocked heads during a shift we worked together but a few days later I  felt bad about dogging him out so went to Barnes and Noble to buy him a couple of books I thought may help him figure it all out.

Nothing is better than the written word.

First and most importantly, no one can help you until you want to help yourself, so I bought him a copy of  'The Alchemist'.

One of the greatest, most insightful and inspiring books I've ever read. It can be interpreted differently by every individual who reads it and is true literary art.

I was almost headed to the checkout line with the book when I turned around and asked a young woman where to find another book I thought might help him.

I know there was a big hoopla about parts of it being fiction instead of non fiction after it skyrocketed to a best seller but was still a pretty intense read.

I remember when I read it.

My son Zach (then a freshman in high school) asked me what it was about?  He read it next. Then asked me if he could give it to a girl he knew so she could read it as well to help her with her own struggles?

I don't care if James Frey embellished or took liberties. I care that his book makes a difference for readers.


My friend at work still struggled but seemed to be struggling in the right direction and was greatly appreciative of the books.

On the other hand, bosses have a business to run and the kid was habitually late, and I'm not talking about minutes. He eventually got canned for being almost two hours late for work when a friend didn't show up to give him a ride and he had to walk.

So what can 'I' do now?


First I sent him a message and told him to let me know if he needed anything at all. A week later I loaned (gave) him forty bucks to keep his cell phone on. You can't get a new job if they can't call you back.

Then I started thinking about how well my own life was going now, after such a dismal start here in O town.

There's a pawn shop next door to the Big Lots where I shop. They always have about twenty bikes chained out front. I wandered over there today and found a pretty decent ten speed mountain bike for forty bucks.

It took the guy at the pawn shop twenty minutes to finagle it into my tiny car and drove home with the brake handle stabbing me in the back of my neck, but first went into Big Lots next door and bought a couple of rain ponchos. It rains almost every day here during the summer months, but luckily usually only for about five minutes.

I sent the kid (he's the same age as my youngest son) a text telling him I'd bought a used bike for him and would have it dropped off at his house the next day.

Appreciative doesn't begin to describe how he reacted. He acted as if I had gone out and bought him a brand new car.

I took the bike with me to work the next day. Another server who is friends with him as well said she would absolutely be glad to take the bike by his house after our shift. Her car is much bigger than mine and she got off way before me. She stopped by Walmart and bought him a bicycle lock first. Poor kid, with his luck some numbskull would probably ride off on it the very first time he parked it anywhere without being locked up.

The guy actually cried when he found out I had bought him a form of transportation. He called me a saint. I told him that was borderline laughable and was only doing what friends do for each other. He said he would pay me back the forty bucks on Friday when he got his last paycheck and for the bike as soon as he was working again. I told him both were gifts and only wanted him to do one thing for me.

I asked him to pay it forward to someone else in need when he was finally back on his feet financially.

               It's a simple concept that could literally change the world, if  only we all lived by it.


Here's the even better part...

It made me feel good to be able and do this small thing for someone who truly needed a big helping hand and am more than positive will go full circle and bless my own life even more.

With all the bad in this world (and there is more than a lot) if each and every one of us did just one nice thing for another human being, the world would surely be a more loving place and in return would all receive much more than initially given.

It's the win/win theory I try my best to live by and one I taught all three of my own children.

The change begins with you.

When our life hit the financial skids about six or seven years ago, people rallied to our support in a constant stream of charity, love and prayers. I can literally count well over a hundred people who gave us everything we needed to survive and eventually thrive again. It wouldn't be right for me not to do the same for others when I have the chance.


I worry and sincerely fret about the hate people have for others these days. Opinions are like butt holes, everyone has one. Who am I to hate them for simply having a different looking one?


My way of thinking may not be the exact right way but is the one  I have chosen to live with and by.

We'll all find out whether we're right or wrong one day, when we meet our own chosen Maker.

Until that time we simply need to coexist, live and let live, support instead of bash and be kind to one another.


One day you may find your own self in need of a helping hand. Live your life as a person others will always feel like extending a hand to.

Just saying...

COTTON

Teege

                            This is Timothy Shawn Cotton Jr and Timothy Shawn Cotton Sr.

When I first met my husband, TJ had just turned two. Tomorrow he turns thirty two. Although 'biologically'  TJ is considered  my stepson; I have never regarded or thought of him as anything other than my first and oldest  child. He's simply always been my oldest child, brought into this world by another mother. Custody was never an issue. He was well loved no matter which mother he happened to be with, on any given day, at any given time. I am extremely grateful to her for always allowing me to be a part of his life.

Just like any other boy with two good (albeit divorced) parents, decided late in his tweens that he wanted to live with his father. It had absolutely nothing to do with her; she was (still is) a great mom to him. It had more to do with him wanting to be closer to his dad as he began to grow into a young man of his own.

It was an adjustment for us all and probably the hardest thing his mother ever had to do, but she respected his request and let him come live with us. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that was for her to do, but will always respect her for respecting his young request.

Yeah, holidays were always tough on TJ after that... he felt torn and wracked with guilt no matter which home he happened to choose for his holiday celebration. No one likes to eat two turkey dinners back to back or spend most of their time in the car to going to and from each place, with no time to truly enjoy or relax at either one.

In hindsight, I feel terrible about that and should have been the bigger person. Sometimes love is selfish.

Zach and TJ were pretty close as kids. Then Zach (started to) grow into his 'angst' age. In other words, he didn't like anyone.

During those years, TJ and Massey grew closer...yet another new chapter in their siblings equation.

TJ went through some mistakes and trials of his own as well...all kids do. I'd rather my kids make mistakes and wrong decisions while young and carefree than decide to do it when they have obligations and a family of their own to support .

He decided to take a year off and move to Australia...all alone, to find his self and explore the world.

I'm not too sure which side of his family missed him more. It was probably a tie but both sides came together and sent him off together.

Then he came back state side. He lived with us for a while, when we were at our lowest but was welcomed anyway. He floundered a bit but one again found his way. He worked with me for a while and rocked it, then rocketed to even bigger and better things.



He never turned back or gave up but instead has gone on to be an incredibly successful man.

He has a family of his own now. Same scenario...met someone with a child and  whole heartedly claimed the child as his own, and done an amazing job as a step dad.. She's as much my grand daughter as he is my son. He's provided for them all and they even welcomed another family member, my first biological grand child but is the second grand to me... another from another mother!

Yes they have had struggles. What family doesn't?

TJ put on his helmet of  adult life and has never given up.


Once again it has been a battle of wanting to take sides, but I won't. I know they are having a hard time finding the way emotionally and mentally. But they will.

Been there done that.

Raising two young kids ain't easy and hate to tell them both it ain't gonna get easier raising two head strong females.

Here's the thing.

The path you chose is your choice...not your kids' choice.

Tim and I spent almost the last ten years of our relationship borderline rolling our eyes at each other on an hourly basis, thinking "Why the hell am I still with you?"

Here's why.

You accept the invitation from each other to this dance of life.

You would had never accepted it if  you didn't  think it was a good decision.

You'll figure it out. We all will. Together.

Love and learn.

Step back from moments.

Tim and I do it on a daily basis after almost thirty years.


Life is more precious than you think and can be gone in less than a second.

Happiest of Birthdays, TJ.

You are a pretty awesome young man and feel grateful to have followed and been a part of your journey onto even greater things.

Do it, Kid!

COTTON

Happy Birthday Sis!

I felt like it was my birthday not hers. I got to spend the entire weekend with my brother and sister.

 I got off work Friday afternoon around five thirty. By six thirty I had dashed home, changed clothes, packed an overnight bag and was sitting with my sister and brother on his back porch overlooking Lake Mary Jane.

My brother took us both out for dinner and was an affair to remember. Number one, they had both been waiting for me to get off work. I thought I could sneak out of work at four but ended up having to stay until five thirty. Number two, of course my brother started Happy Hour the minute Cin got to his house after picking her up at the airport around three. I catch on (and up) quickly so by the time we all got seated after a twenty minute wait at Nona Blue (great restaurant here in OTown) we were all in high spirits.

My brother is possibly (most probably) the funniest person I have ever met, who has a heart of gold...unless you do something wrong. Then he is a man to be feared.

Much like (extremely like) our own father.

He put our server through the wringer, from the get go...but always in a joking way. We ran up quite a tab and the server was awesome and accommodating the entire time. My brother paid the tab and went to the restroom before we left. Of course I (the lifer server) opened the payment book on the table, and as expected,  he had left the server about a thirty percent, plus some tip.

We went back to his house and were all so full we could barely move. I decided to go home for the night, only a ten minute drive but left my bag there for the next night.

Massey and I got to the lake the next day around one. Cindy, Massey and I went out to the dock to soak in some rays.

Massey was smart and hug her hammock under the boat dock. Cindy and I sat (broiled) in chairs directly beneath the Florida sun. The wind on the lake was so gusty it never got hot. Seems you don't have to feel hot to get scorched.

Cindy and I both looked like red snappers after our two hour stint.

By that time, Tim had gotten off from work and came over. Chris had bought fillet Mignon's. I made a  salad and had stuck some huge taters in the oven to bake before we went out to bake on the dock.

We dined like kings and Massey brought Cindy a massive birthday cake for dessert.

Then we drank like fools and played cards late into the night. Tim went home to our house, Chris probably wished he had another home to go to but put up with us, trying his best to snooze on the couch with his dobes.

His dogs are as  massive as they are submissive.

 The female is very girly...but totally in charge.

The male...has the biggest paws and nostrils I've ever seen but is a total gentle giant. He prances like a Clydesdale when he walks.

The female weighs a bit less than me, the male a couple of pounds more than me but are the sweetest (and luckiest) pups you'll ever meet.

They put up with us this weekend, along with their dad, our brother, and my husband who escaped each night back to our rental house.

Whenever my sister is leaving the next day, I have to go home to my own house the night before. I just can't deal with saying good bye to one of the most important parts of what makes me me.

\

She is my sister. She is my touchstone in life. She is someone who had better live longer than me because I don't think I could live without her.

Happiest of Birthdays, dear sister. Could not have left my Lost Boy in better hands.


You are incredible on every level of life and in every way a person can be good. I aspire to be half the woman and person you are...and if I do, will consider myself successful in life.

I love you more than you could ever imagine...trust me.


Till next time...

COTTON