When I first met my husband, TJ had just turned two. Tomorrow he turns thirty two. Although 'biologically' TJ is considered my stepson; I have never regarded or thought of him as anything other than my first and oldest child. He's simply always been my oldest child, brought into this world by another mother. Custody was never an issue. He was well loved no matter which mother he happened to be with, on any given day, at any given time. I am extremely grateful to her for always allowing me to be a part of his life.
Just like any other boy with two good (albeit divorced) parents, decided late in his tweens that he wanted to live with his father. It had absolutely nothing to do with her; she was (still is) a great mom to him. It had more to do with him wanting to be closer to his dad as he began to grow into a young man of his own.
It was an adjustment for us all and probably the hardest thing his mother ever had to do, but she respected his request and let him come live with us. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that was for her to do, but will always respect her for respecting his young request.
Yeah, holidays were always tough on TJ after that... he felt torn and wracked with guilt no matter which home he happened to choose for his holiday celebration. No one likes to eat two turkey dinners back to back or spend most of their time in the car to going to and from each place, with no time to truly enjoy or relax at either one.
In hindsight, I feel terrible about that and should have been the bigger person. Sometimes love is selfish.
Zach and TJ were pretty close as kids. Then Zach (started to) grow into his 'angst' age. In other words, he didn't like anyone.
During those years, TJ and Massey grew closer...yet another new chapter in their siblings equation.
TJ went through some mistakes and trials of his own as well...all kids do. I'd rather my kids make mistakes and wrong decisions while young and carefree than decide to do it when they have obligations and a family of their own to support .
He decided to take a year off and move to Australia...all alone, to find his self and explore the world.
I'm not too sure which side of his family missed him more. It was probably a tie but both sides came together and sent him off together.
Then he came back state side. He lived with us for a while, when we were at our lowest but was welcomed anyway. He floundered a bit but one again found his way. He worked with me for a while and rocked it, then rocketed to even bigger and better things.
He never turned back or gave up but instead has gone on to be an incredibly successful man.
He has a family of his own now. Same scenario...met someone with a child and whole heartedly claimed the child as his own, and done an amazing job as a step dad.. She's as much my grand daughter as he is my son. He's provided for them all and they even welcomed another family member, my first biological grand child but is the second grand to me... another from another mother!
Yes they have had struggles. What family doesn't?
TJ put on his helmet of adult life and has never given up.
Once again it has been a battle of wanting to take sides, but I won't. I know they are having a hard time finding the way emotionally and mentally. But they will.
Been there done that.
Raising two young kids ain't easy and hate to tell them both it ain't gonna get easier raising two head strong females.
Here's the thing.
The path you chose is your choice...not your kids' choice.
Tim and I spent almost the last ten years of our relationship borderline rolling our eyes at each other on an hourly basis, thinking "Why the hell am I still with you?"
Here's why.
You accept the invitation from each other to this dance of life.
You would had never accepted it if you didn't think it was a good decision.
You'll figure it out. We all will. Together.
Love and learn.
Step back from moments.
Tim and I do it on a daily basis after almost thirty years.
Life is more precious than you think and can be gone in less than a second.
Happiest of Birthdays, TJ.
You are a pretty awesome young man and feel grateful to have followed and been a part of your journey onto even greater things.
Do it, Kid!
COTTON
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