So THIS is What it Feels Like!

I finally feel like the woman in the photo above again. This was over five years ago  when I still had all the  jewelry Tim had given me over the years and weighed over two digits. The only thing I didn't pawn in desperate times was my wedding set. I should drop by the pawn shop sometime and see if my starfish necklace and bracelet are still there, and I kinda miss those nice Diamond earrings he gave me too. Do they give you a deal when you buy back your own stuff? I wonder.

It's been like starting over these past few months. When we moved in together in 1988 we were broke but managed to pay all the bills, mostly on time.

It's 2014 and are right back where we started.

Call me crazy but I feel wonderful about that! We could be homeless by now, literally but aren't. I could still be spinning my wheels at a job that I loved but couldn't make ends meet with but I'm not. Tim could still be unemployed but isn't. I have a new job which has turned out to be everything I (literally) banked on and then some.

I'm in my mid fifties basically starting from scratch and feel absolutely blessed to be doing so. The 'other shoe' has dropped so many times I don't even hear it hit anymore, just pick it up and put it back on.

All the while had three kids old enough now to realize we were broke, but all three were our champions. They never complained and handled the humility with amazing resiliency.

Shout out to my former "Ankle Biters"!

You know, if it had been just Tim and me, may have turned in my resignation and walked away on the whole thing about four years ago. Not that I don't love Tim. I do !

I said it over a quarter of a century ago in front of God and about fifty people who knew me well and meant it.

I vividly remember the words Tim's former childhood minister asked me to agree to.

The blanks would be... Kelly, Tim, husband.

Been there done that.

I didn't even get a tee shirt but sure got a lot more.

I have three kids who absolutely make my heart sing and only rarely break it.

I have a husband who probably sits in the back of  our walk in closet when I'm not home in a fetal position banging his head against the wall, hasn't killed me yet and still tells me he loves me.

He's a keeper too.

Here's the thing. I tend to  think I'm hilarious and most always right. (usually am and am) DUH!!

In reality all often tell me I'm not that funny and roll their eyes when they think I'm not looking.

Oh, I'm looking!

You see those frown lines between my eyes?

You're welcome!

We almost lost everything and nearly lost my funny bone but all survived in tact, thanks to so many. The number is well over a hundred but every gift, phone call and encouragement was the final push.

Used to feel like this... (cutting my eyes at Tim while saying "Are you kidding me, I gave up my semi virginity for THIS?")

To my new feeling:

Heck Yeah and Woo to the Hoo!

I stumbled (after a lot of pulling) into a totally different world and environment. It was complete insanity from the training and learning to navigate not only the commute without owning a vehicle to the entire one eighty of working behind security at the world's busiest airport in an incredibly prestigious restaurant but guess who made it?

This girl!

Thank goodness I pickled well.

If you can't laugh at your own misfortunes, always strive for success, know Karma (along with many others) is also your friend you simply ain't doing it right.

Trust me, I ain't throwing no "Shade" it's Fo Shizzle this time!

Trifling: Webster's definition is "Of slight worth or importance. Frivolous or idle."

Nope, I gotcha on all four!

Tumbling into bed, jumping out of bed at the last minute, smearing on some war paint, screaming to the airport and fighting the good fight again tomorrow.

Every morning I wake up is a good day...it's YOUR choice to make it so and I'm a "Chooser" fo shizzle.

Til next time...COTTON

Make it Stop Please

I'm trying to stay positive and trying not to doubt but finding it hard to do. I've stepped out of my comfort zone and taken a huge leap of faith with this new job.  It's certainly not easy to take a job twenty five miles away when you don't even have a vehicle but did it anyway. My absolutely wonderful neighbors have been letting me drive their little spare truck to and from the past two weeks and wouldn't even have been able to finish my training without it. I wanted Tim to have his car here for job hunting and helping get Zach to and from work.

Well THAT came to a halt. I don't know why I even call home from work but I did when I took a restroom break. Tim had a lead on a job and wanted to find out how it went. What I found out was Tim' car went Ka Put. Zach had gone to the credit union to get a loan for a truck he's buying and barely made it back to the house in the car.

By the time I got home from work was more depressed than I've been in quite a while. I wanted to blog but felt so sorry for myself I couldn't think of anything positive to say, didn't want to start a pity party so just fell into bed hoping it would be better the next day.

I read the quote above a little differently. To me it says "No I am definitely not lucky and could sure use some but on the other hand I AM blessed because I am loved."

We found out today after Tim clunked the clattering car to our mechanic that it needed to go to a muffler shop and is where it sits waiting on the verdict. If it's a hundred dollar fix we can handle it. If it's not we'll be needing a miracle to fall out of the sky. Lucky for us, God lives up there so maybe He'll send the answer.

Once again I went next door and climbed into my freebie loaner from the best neighbors in the world and left for the airport convincing myself today would be a better day.

Quickly found a really close spot to park and made it into the train station right as a few drops began to fall. Five minutes later when I got off at the airport it was a torrential downpour. I usually go right outside and catch the shuttle bus to international but would have gotten soaked standing in the rain, even with my umbrella. I headed back inside to go through security and catch the underground Plane Train. I got turned around because I never take the Plane Train out TO the concourse, only take it FROM and wound up in the wrong security line with no employee entrance. There were at least seventy five people in front of me.

I took my chances and headed back to the shuttle bus. By the time I got back the storm had passed and the sun was out. I took this as a lucky sign as I got on the bus. The security line at international is much smaller and quicker to get through anyway.

I got there with some time to to spare. I sat down and got all my massive index cards in order and gave myself a mental pep talk before heading up the escalator to the restaurant.

Right as I started to step on to the escalator I saw a penny on the floor. I had to put on my glasses to make sure it was on heads before I dared to pick it up.

Yep! Another good sign. I stuck ole Abe on heads in my front pocket, took a big breath and marched up the escalator for work.

I still feel nervous every shift, training for a new job makes me this way. I've only had three jobs since 1981 and obviously don't like change.

I feel a little better with each shift though. I've learned what needs to be done and quickly do it without being told when I get there. It doesn't take a genius to realize how to bus or reset tables, fill up an ice bin or polish glasses and silverware.

I got assigned to follow a server I liked from the get go. She knows her stuff and knew I would learn a lot from traipsing along beside her like a ninety eight pound puppy dog so off we went! I let her lead and listened to her spiel as she greeted tables, making lots of mental notes. I rang in all the orders for her on the computer and after about thirty minutes got up the courage to greet the next table myself.

Yes my voice cracked like Peter Brady when talking to them and felt ill at ease about my spiel but did an okay job.

She made several observations and comments about what I needed to work on or change. She made the comments in a positive way and the way I gratefully took them. Before I knew it, it was almost eight o'clock. I asked if I could take a restroom break and trotted across the food court.

Sitting on the toilet, not having to pee took out my cell phone which had buzzed a couple of times in my back pocket during training.

I sent a dear friend from school a quick text updating her on my unlucky life's turn of events then clicked on a message from my daughter away at Girl Scout camp working as a counselor for the summer.

Guess she had read my sad post from last night about what a crappy day I'd had.

This is what she'd sent me:

I'm not too sure how my girl got so smart, certainly wasn't from me but the message came through loud and clear.

The part I liked the most is "Because, once we have overcome the defeats---and we always do---we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence."

I have a wonderful husband who has taken even more hard knocks than I have but still tries to remain positive. I have three kids who constantly worry about and take care of me and a network of family, friends and readers who urge and encourage me every day.

At least I still weigh more than the mouse above but feel like a giant tonight.

I don't have the new job down pat but finally feel like I can do it and really be good at it if I continue to work hard, ask lots of questions and try my best.

You know what?

I can and I WILL!

Til next time COTTON